Why Josh Can't Be Left Alone

There's a famous Torah lecture by Rabbi Dovid Orlofsky, a respected teacher at Jerusalem's Ohr Sameach institute entitled "Platonic Relationships." (Click on link to listen for free.) This specific lecture, widely circulated on tape, is well known amongst the young religious folk. Mainly for its humor. But of course, also because the topic is of such interest to the young mind - specifically, the opposite sex. I thought you could benefit from my take on this topic. And, yes, I am being serious.

The basic contention of Rabbi Orlofsky is that there is no such thing as a platonic relationship. Sorry to spoil the whole tape, but in one sentence, that's what it boils down to. Guys and girls, but especially guys, have difficulty in remaining "just friends," and inevitably became involved in deeper relationships. That's what he says. But while I think generally he is correct, he missed a few points, that while may seem semantic in nature, really force a reevaluation of his conclusion.

I think that there are such things as co-ed platonic relationships. A guy and a girl can be friends, without being "in love." What I think Rabbi Orlofsky was mainly pointing out is that many guys and girls get confused about love when they are in these relationships. In a marriage oriented relationship, two people connect on a deep level, but also share passions and life goals. Their love is the basis for spending a lifetime together making their impact on the world. In a platonic relationship, two people connect on a deep level, but may have very different goals.

So what Rabbi Orlofsky is trying to do is discourage people from entering into such relationships, where they feel strong emotions, but marriage is not right. This could lead to bad marriages, so he warns people against forming such relationships in the first place. These relationships are like High School romances. They have the interpersonal connection, but lack the long-term viability. It would be a shame for a couple to mistake their short-fused passion for a lengthy potential relationship. And the indulging in such relationships can be contrary to Torah goals.

But this means that such relationships do exist, just that we misinterpret them. But I would go further. There is a relationship that doesn't exist, and should not be ignored. There is no such thing as a non-sexual relationship. This is more fine tuned than saying platonic relationships don't exist. But whether a relationship is platonic or romantic (what I'll call the relationship where a couple does share their life goals), there is a certain sexual tension involved. (As Rabbi Orlofsky says on the tape, girls- if you don't agree, just know that the guy has this in mind. OK, well that's a rough paraphrase, anyway.) So really it's the non-sexual relationship that does not exist, and that is why platonic relationships must be avoided. Because even "just friends" can have influences not in-line with Jewish law.

It may all seem like a small distinction, but I think it's important to be exact. When trying to explain to somebody how they should examine their behavorial choices, it's important to identify the right psychology. Because otherwise, somebody says, "So the Rabbis say there is no such thing as a platonic relationship? That's not true! I'm friends with X, and I know we're not interested in each other in any romantic way! So there is no problem with us being friends!" But according to my understanding, the above person would realize that despite their logic being true relating exclusively to the tape, in reality it is still not beneficial behavior based on a religious Jewish framework.

That's why it's important on any issue not to just issue blanket statements, i.e. that some activity is forbidden. People like to make their own explanations, which conveniently allow for their own exceptions. So no matter how taboo a topic, it's important to be clear and appropriately explore all concerns.

And yes, sometimes I can be serious.