Sunday, August 21, 2005

Blog Whore

HEY! Look at me! I'm right here!

The need to be seen is not new. America is obsessed with celebrity, 15 minutes of fame, green mohawks, and pretty much anything that attracts attention. From an existentialist point of view, this is obvious. In trying to understand our lives within the context of billions of humans that live and die, we feel a need to leave our mark. We aren't content to just pass through this world as some organic collection of elemental materials, but as some contributing or improving figure. It's no wonder that people donate buildings with their names on them, or even have marble headstones next to their graves. At the end of our lives, there is a fear that if we aren't remembered, it is as if we were never here. If you don't believe in an afterlife, then like the proverbial tree being chopped down in a forest with nobody to hear, our lives, after years of struggle, are is if they never were.

Of course, Judaism believes in an afterlife. And accordingly, the goals it lays out for each person's life does not involve making themselves known. Every person is given a highly personal mission, and serves that purpose irregardless of whether it is remembered beyond their lifetime. With this mentality, the concept of Tznius, modesty, makes great sense. Not just in the skirt-wearing, hair-covering use that most people associate with Jewish modesty. But the actual modesty required of every Jewish man and woman, as we humbly live our lives in the shadow of an immortal deity.

That all being said, I've found the "Look-at-Me" desire hard to shake. I used to be a very quiet guy. But at some point, I became the clown. If I weren't wearing black and white, I'd be wearing bright orange and blue. I'll get up at a party and start doing karaoke to a song I don't know, with no music playing. Sure I'm a middle child, probably trying to be noticed between all my otherwise better advantaged siblings. But it's much more than that. My behavior extends well beyond the family realm. And I see it as a negative trait, rooted more in the nihilism of America than the universalism of Judaism.

My antics have followed me to Blogville. I publish every rambling that comes to mind, desperately trying to connect to readers. I compulsively check for new comments and total hits way too often. I am a blog whore, visiting and commenting on other's blogs hoping more to generate additional visitors to my site than to contribute anything useful. Receiving personal responses to my comments is gratifying; whether they vilify my abhorrent logic or even possibly agree is irrelevant. But to look online, and to see nobody has responded, nobody has commented, nobody has read. Dread.

The ultimate lack of Tznius is the manipulation of the Yetzer Hora to accomplish this self-serving function. Whether physically flaunting one's assets in the classical sense, or simply airing one's sexual frustrations online, lewdness can be an easy replacement of this empty sense of self-worth. As many bloggers have commented, a sexual themed post, even when not pornographic, will earn at least double the comments. Fortunately, I don't think I've reached this level. Yet.

I think friendship is a good example of both a healthy and unhealthy life from a Tznius standpoint. The non-Tznius person may be known by everyone. With his antics, he's hard to miss. But they aren't friendships, they are tons of acquaintances. But how many of these people will still be there when the antics stop? And when one of those people need more than a laugh, where will you be?

But a Tznius person isn't just a friend because he craves attention. His relationships are strong, a two way bond, built on learning and caring.

This analogy carries online too. There are those bloggers that you bond with, and there are those whose paths you just cross regularly. Hopefully, my online relationships won't be about me seeking attention, but will grow into a source of learning, where I know I will have an earnest ear, but can equally provide an insightful opinion.

OK, deep breath. Now I must come down from the mountain, and see if I've learned anything today.

Comments:
Wow, I can relate on so many levels...about being quiet but then not so much and wondering why that changed about me; about feeling dejected when no one comments but not wanting to post things that are beneath my dignity that I wouldn't otherwise talk about in real life; but mostly about confidence that my relationships in real life are secure and not dependent on how often I speak to the person (ie how many hits I get)-he's my friend even if we only spoke twice this week etc.

Great post, keep it up, seriously!
 
I just started a blog and I relate so much to what you say, I have wondered if my blog is filling a "look-at-me" need I have. It's total egomania, this blogging business. Sometimes I wonder if it's even appropriate. There are a lot of boundaries that are crossed in the anonymous blogosphere.

All that being said, we shouldn't take it too seriously!

hatzlocho!
 
The only after life that I can believe in is the one that runs in the DNA that I pass on. Yes, I also am a blogwhore and I like the attention that I get. But blogging means more than that to me ass I feel that it does you-it is a chance to make our opinions know to the world of bloggers who may or may not agree-but our opinions are read nether the less. All of that said, I enjoy your blog and will be bacl. I clicked on at the advise of bec and erica, two very rational minds that I highly respect. Thanks, Guy
 
I agree. Although you said you weren't referring to Tznius necessarily in the skirt-wearing, hair covering way--but I also think of the ultra-tight skirts and stilletoes (no stockings, of course), and strutting down the street like they're walking down the runway. I don't know what to do, scream or cry. They might as well be wearing a sign, "LOOK AT ME!!!" I don't know what they get out of it.
I get so frightened when I get "whistled at," and I am just an average looking girl hopefully dressed B'Tznius, so why would they want more??
 
Michael and FSAM - Glad to see I'm not the only one dealing with this issue. I don't think blogging is intrinsically about ego, but it's very tempting, especially as you go to other blogs and see how much attention they get.

Guyk - Thanks for reminding me what really brings me out here to blogland. I love writing, creative and otherwise. And I love sharing opinions, especially with people from other perspectives. So it isn't all about getting attention. I just have to keep that in mind.

Erica - For the record, I also let out a squeaky giggle when I read Guyk's typo. I am easy to gratify...

Michelle - Wow. You said so much in such a short comment. First of all, welcome! I enjoy your blog, and hope you enjoy mine.

They might as well be wearing a sign, "LOOK AT ME!!!"

You are right. As much as we jump around on the internet looking for attention, we shouldn't forget that the lack of not-tznius dress is often a similar grab for attention. I guess, from a guy's perspective, I think of non-tznius dress as more of a problem of Hirhurim/impure thoughts than as a grab for attention. They both are not part of growing religiously, that's for sure.

ultra-tight skirts and stilletoes (no stockings, of course)

I'm with you on the ultra-tight skirts. Yeah, those sound like they would get my attention. But I guess the stilletoes and no stockings is where I lose you. If a pretty girl walked by in stilletoes, a) it wouldn't make me look at her, and b) I certainly wouldn't notice the shoes. As far as no stockings, I guess that is just the community I come from. A girl was once complaining to me that her friend has a bad reputation because she doesn't wear stockings. I had no clue what she was talking about. All my years learning in Yeshivos (6), and I didn't know I was supposed to look for a Bas Torah who wore stockings. Long skirts, long sleeves, an eventual hair covering, sure, but stockings were new to me. I guess bare legs might be "appealing" but I never really thought about it. I bet I start noticing now...

I get so frightened when I get "whistled at," and I am just an average looking girl hopefully dressed B'Tznius, so why would they want more??

I don't know if you meant this literally or not, but were you referring to this behavior being done by frum men or other men? That would be a whole post unto itself.

But I think the answer to your question is the basic premise behind the post. The lack of Tznius can be traced often times to a need for attention to feed the ego. There is no easier way for somebody with low self-esteem to have it boosted than by having every guy on the street turn their heads to check you out as you walk down the street.

You sound incredibly self-assured. To you, these looks come across as cheap. But to some of these girls, they have nothing to their character. The only thing they can do to feel they have a purpose in life is to be noticed. Just like I feel sometimes when I say or do outrageous things, online or in real life.

I just hope that I can avoid the same behaviors that I find so tasteless in others. Ultimately, a girl "strutting down the street like they're walking down the runway" gets one passing look, but "an average looking girl hopefully dressed B'Tznius" gets appreciated for life.
 
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