Sunday, August 07, 2005
Not Holier than Thou
This might be hard for some of you to relate to. On the other hand, it might make it easier for others to relate to me.
I went out to dinner tonight with my family. We went to a local Kosher restaurant. No big deal. The problem was that there were a couple of waitresses there, and a few female patrons, that I couldn't take my eyes off. It didn't help that it took so long to get our food, but all these girls just totally distracted me. I don't know who they were (except for one), how old they were, or if they are really that frum. They all were wearing skirts, and had a certain sparkle to them. Not models, but oh so attractive. There is something about frum girls. Maybe because they are "marriageable" a deeper interest is stirred. Perhaps I'm "turned on" by their tznius, modesty. My mind literally tuned out everything else when any of these girls came into my line of sight at the restaurant.
I didn't realize until tonight how little exposure I really have to religious girls. I work with plenty of young women, and very attractive ones at that. But I'm just not interested in them in any special way. Sure they are pretty, but they are almost like fine art. Any interest I take in them is purely academic, like absorbing the view of a sweeping landscape. And outside work, I really don't get out much, nor are there that many young women in the frum community, even if there was a place I was likely to run into them. So I guess practically speaking, I am as sheltered and depraved as somebody in Mea Shearim or any other ultra-Orthodox neigborhood.
Why am I writing this? Because I think it's important to acknowledge when Gd throws you a test in life. If people think that very religious people are perfect because they don't have the same desires, but that the average person has much stronger desires and can't live up to the religious ideal, that is wrong. Not that I'm the religious ideal- far from it. But it's important to note that we're all fighting the same battle. Sometimes we lose a battle, but if we are fighting for an ideal we hold true, we'll go out there and keep fighting in the war.
It's important to know the difference between normal and not normal, and right from wrong. Every day is a struggle against the Yetzer Hora, especially regarding sexual temptations. I think it is normal to have a sexual appetite, but there are clear limits to what is the right and what is the wrong way to express that normal desire.
So I'm not some asexual android who looks down at anybody else for having some wacko desire to be physically close to the opposite sex. But you have to be honest and open with yourself about where the religious battle line is drawn. You may succeed or fail on any given occasion in living up to your moral code. Somebody who is interested in passing their Nisyonos, tests, however, will always be honest with themselves as to what they personally need to do in order to reach their ideal.
I went out to dinner tonight with my family. We went to a local Kosher restaurant. No big deal. The problem was that there were a couple of waitresses there, and a few female patrons, that I couldn't take my eyes off. It didn't help that it took so long to get our food, but all these girls just totally distracted me. I don't know who they were (except for one), how old they were, or if they are really that frum. They all were wearing skirts, and had a certain sparkle to them. Not models, but oh so attractive. There is something about frum girls. Maybe because they are "marriageable" a deeper interest is stirred. Perhaps I'm "turned on" by their tznius, modesty. My mind literally tuned out everything else when any of these girls came into my line of sight at the restaurant.
I didn't realize until tonight how little exposure I really have to religious girls. I work with plenty of young women, and very attractive ones at that. But I'm just not interested in them in any special way. Sure they are pretty, but they are almost like fine art. Any interest I take in them is purely academic, like absorbing the view of a sweeping landscape. And outside work, I really don't get out much, nor are there that many young women in the frum community, even if there was a place I was likely to run into them. So I guess practically speaking, I am as sheltered and depraved as somebody in Mea Shearim or any other ultra-Orthodox neigborhood.
Why am I writing this? Because I think it's important to acknowledge when Gd throws you a test in life. If people think that very religious people are perfect because they don't have the same desires, but that the average person has much stronger desires and can't live up to the religious ideal, that is wrong. Not that I'm the religious ideal- far from it. But it's important to note that we're all fighting the same battle. Sometimes we lose a battle, but if we are fighting for an ideal we hold true, we'll go out there and keep fighting in the war.
It's important to know the difference between normal and not normal, and right from wrong. Every day is a struggle against the Yetzer Hora, especially regarding sexual temptations. I think it is normal to have a sexual appetite, but there are clear limits to what is the right and what is the wrong way to express that normal desire.
So I'm not some asexual android who looks down at anybody else for having some wacko desire to be physically close to the opposite sex. But you have to be honest and open with yourself about where the religious battle line is drawn. You may succeed or fail on any given occasion in living up to your moral code. Somebody who is interested in passing their Nisyonos, tests, however, will always be honest with themselves as to what they personally need to do in order to reach their ideal.
# posted by Josh : Sunday, August 07, 2005
Comments:
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I wasn’t there with you but perhaps you were attracted but good-natured appearance of one of the girls.
I know that really grabs my attention.
A girl who seems good natured or one that is terrific with kids. There are people that have kindness written all over them, and they re ten times as attractive as top models can ever dream to be.
I know that really grabs my attention.
A girl who seems good natured or one that is terrific with kids. There are people that have kindness written all over them, and they re ten times as attractive as top models can ever dream to be.
i love what you said about g*d throwing us tests. this lately defines my relationship with g*d, and it is very true. the hard thing is to accept the challenge and prevail.it's when we stop trying that we fail and sink deeper into a spiritual void.
Prag- A good point that I totally overlooked. Good character can be irresistably charming. If we are turned off by the image of somebody of the opposite sex slurping spaghetti sauce all over themself, it makes sense that refined and selfless traits would have an equal but opposite reaction.
Erica- Maybe it's because we see in that religious person (female in my case, male in yours) a certain sublime nature that would come with their religious awareness. I would think that somebody who is so self-confident that they live on a spiritual plane is quite desirable. Maybe I over-estimate the religious under-pinnings of the Jewish girls I see; or maybe I pray that they embody it's ideals - and that it might rub off on me.
Unknown - All I can think of is that it is part of Gd's plan. The Gemara tells us that when the Rabbi's tried to usurp Gd's plan to ease man's struggle by removing the sexual desire, not even a chicken laid an egg. Gd knows what we are going through. But I don't think He's laughing. Nor do I think He cries when we fail. But He probably does cry when we succeed.
Bec - you've raised issues that could be a whole other post, but you're point is very true. If we think it is depressing to fail reaching our goals, it is actually the failure to strive towards our goals that leads to depression. I'm not a psychologist, but I think that is clinically true. Somebody is depressed isn't somebody who is upset from, say, losing their job. It is the person who stops looking for one who is clinically depressed.
Erica- Maybe it's because we see in that religious person (female in my case, male in yours) a certain sublime nature that would come with their religious awareness. I would think that somebody who is so self-confident that they live on a spiritual plane is quite desirable. Maybe I over-estimate the religious under-pinnings of the Jewish girls I see; or maybe I pray that they embody it's ideals - and that it might rub off on me.
Unknown - All I can think of is that it is part of Gd's plan. The Gemara tells us that when the Rabbi's tried to usurp Gd's plan to ease man's struggle by removing the sexual desire, not even a chicken laid an egg. Gd knows what we are going through. But I don't think He's laughing. Nor do I think He cries when we fail. But He probably does cry when we succeed.
Bec - you've raised issues that could be a whole other post, but you're point is very true. If we think it is depressing to fail reaching our goals, it is actually the failure to strive towards our goals that leads to depression. I'm not a psychologist, but I think that is clinically true. Somebody is depressed isn't somebody who is upset from, say, losing their job. It is the person who stops looking for one who is clinically depressed.
Wow Josh, an amazing post!
I guess it was a real eye-opener. Like I always thought what's the big deal if my blouse is a little too fitted, guys see half-naked ladies all the time in the street and stores etc.
It really makes me see things maybe from a frum guy's perspective. But I wonder like why it is. Is it the fact that we don'y show too much? Is it that one was good-natured? Wow! I don't know, but it is alot to chew on.
I guess I try to be considerate and good-natured, and i basically dress frum (tho I admit i may strech the line at times.) It's hard cause on the one hand it's nice to attract a nice frum guy, but I guess I don't want to make myself like free for the taking.
Shalom
I guess it was a real eye-opener. Like I always thought what's the big deal if my blouse is a little too fitted, guys see half-naked ladies all the time in the street and stores etc.
It really makes me see things maybe from a frum guy's perspective. But I wonder like why it is. Is it the fact that we don'y show too much? Is it that one was good-natured? Wow! I don't know, but it is alot to chew on.
I guess I try to be considerate and good-natured, and i basically dress frum (tho I admit i may strech the line at times.) It's hard cause on the one hand it's nice to attract a nice frum guy, but I guess I don't want to make myself like free for the taking.
Shalom
I guess every girl has her own reasons for how she dresses (frum or not frum), but I think a girl captivates me because her appearance demonstrates the thoughtfulness of her personality. At least in my mind, I assume that what she wears isn't just random, but reflects on her inner values. And great values are a big "turn-on" for me.
If there are two girls walking down the street, one in a halter top and micro skirt and one in a skirt and blouse, you can bet I'll be checking out the skirt. Not because I don't have hormones. The half-naked girl is inviting for one night; the Bas Torah is inviting for life.
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If there are two girls walking down the street, one in a halter top and micro skirt and one in a skirt and blouse, you can bet I'll be checking out the skirt. Not because I don't have hormones. The half-naked girl is inviting for one night; the Bas Torah is inviting for life.
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