Why Josh Can't Be Left Alone

Maybe I misunderstood this post, but I don't get your last paragraph. You're saying that you don't want to get married because you haven't found your soul mate. If you do, you'd settle down tomorrow. But no amount of effort will get you the soul mate. So if you had a chance to get a guarantee, why wouldn't you take it? Especially since you can control your professional career.
 

If you have a very successful career, most likely you won't need a Brachah to find a proper Shidduch :)
 

Nice post - I completely agree that making marriage an exclusive goal in life is to walk down a street of frustration.
 

I'd echo Shoshana- defining yourself in terms of marriage is inadvisable, but I don't think a career should overtake the idea of love, either.
 

i think you put it very well when you said
But shutting out your own growth to lock in a spouse is like spending your life searching for the fountain of youth - the prize may be golden, but you can waste your strength going in circles when instead you could be making small strides.
it makes the most sense, josh. i got married right after i turned 23, but it made sense in my life. you have to do what makes sense in yours, and if you're not ready to get married, but you're ready to further your career, then that's what you need to do. i know that when it's time, you'll be blessed with your bashert, so right now, you shouldn't worry.
shavuah tov.
 

I would like to comment not on your status but on a point I think you may have misunderstood. Just because someone works hard at attaining the goal of finding their bashert (I know you're all going to say it's all in the hands of Hashem but we are obligated to put a certain amount of effort on our parts -- hishtadlus)does not mean they define themselves in that role. I think that someone may want to work hard as they realize that the ultimate wholeness/shleimus is that of achieving that goal. It doesn't mean you don't care about yourself etc.. It just means that you know there is more. So while it is exemplary to be satisfied with who you are and yourself, Judaism is a constant struggle of overcoming our desires and being the best that we can be. It's overcoming the 'I' or the 'want' and doing what is required and what is right. So while, I'm thrilled that you are satisfied with yourself, I also see that sitting home and being 'satisfied' is the easy way out of facing the world of dating. For some it may be easier, quicker, faster while for others it is an extremely heart wrenching process. I truly believe that in order to find your one true bashert, one must exert a certain amount of effort in finding she/he. Unfortunately, they are not going to walk to our door and say "hi, I'm your bashert, nice to meet you, lets get married!" ( I wish!!!) Good luck in your decisions!
 

I forgot to add one thing -- more as a food for thought. You brought up a decision that if you had to choose one or the other you are unsure what you would choose. In many ways, at least you recognize they are both from Hashem. No amount of effort in either realm will give us any guarantees in life. Yet, we are obligated to work hard in attempt of achieving that goal. It's just at one certain point you must let go and say, It's all up to Hashem! Now, while I admire your ambition to succeed in your job, what good is it to be such a success without a family in which to share your achievements? Now, I know what you're going to say, It's for me, my family, etc.... so as to cover your grounds of "I don't define myself in terms of marriage" but that's not YOUR family. The one YOU have created for yourself. You often comment on not wanting to shower a girl with material objects and would rather save the money for a down payment on a house. If you don't put in effort in search of your true soul mate, who exactly are you going to buy a house for?
 

Shosh, I think you misunderstood my point. To actively search for one's bashert does not mean to completely destroy one's self and date whatever lands at the door step. That would be futile but to not date at all is futile as well for how can you expect to find your bashert if you don't date her!? It always reminds me of the story of the man who davened every day that he should win the lottery. Day in day out, with the most intense kavanah you could imagine. The angels then said to Hashem "Please, just let him win, we can't take it anymore!" to which Hashem responded "I would let him win, but he hasn't bought himself a ticket yet." Things don't happen out of thin air, they happen because you put effort along with Hashem's will. Maybe Josh's bashert does want to buy him house and all she's waiting for is the opportunity to meet him...
 

Josh - from what i've observed (at least among some friends) is that often the guys do better in their careers when they have families - probably since they have people to provide for. I don't think the career and girl are mutually exclusive.
 

*the statute of limitations on this post is almost up. please grace your adoring fans with another.*

thank you.

the management
 

Ahem - Bec - for those "adoring fans" who read my previous post (yes, it was predated by a day. Yes, I play with the dates of my posts), they would know that I was travelling for five days. And had anyone read it, I might just have paid them a personal visit.

To clarify, my post in general, please keep in mind my personal situation- there is only a black and white choice of dating vs. working because my job is in Chicago and the women are in NY. I did not mean to imply that life is about prioritizing one at the sake of the other.

Now to respond:

Neph - You make a good point. But I think that truly neither subject is fully in my hands. Maybe the better excuse would be that I see greater existintial potential in a successful career than in raising a family. Not that having children doesn't build for the future, that's obvious. But I want to leave more than just my DNA to the world.

JYRA - wonderful point. I wish I could say that my motivations where so lofty. Possibly they are on a subconscious level.

Prag - I see where you get your name from. Unfortunately, I see success as further hindering my ability to get a shidduch. The kind of girls that are attracted to the "successful" guys are the exact ones I have no interest in. So any "success" I may find will be a challenge to sorting out my suitors.

S-ana - Thanks - as important as marriage is, we can't forget that our lives and personalities have individual existence as well.

Shosh - I didn't even bring up the rush factor, which is a good point. We don't want to be blinded by simply auditioning for a spouse, instead of looking for a soulmate.

Masmida - I agree that change is tough. I've seen numerous people say that its better to get married while you're still flexible, so that you can grow together. Maybe there is truth to that. But in my personal opinion, a couple that has learned to be flexible despite their prior committments has something that a couple who are flexible because of a lack of prior committments does not. One couple has learned to combine two directions into one. The other has no direction. I happen to think being flexible is a trait that everyone should learn.

FS - Obviously, standards can be too high. I don't know how mine rate, but I'd like to point out that each person must way their happiness. If they are happier alone than with anyone but their "perfect" image of a spouse, then I I'd argue that they are happier alone. Why should that person compromise?

Chana - I fully agree. My whole point is that love and work are side by side issues. Neither should overwhelm the other. They are both parts of a productive life.

PC - A person's choice hinges on the ultimate reward they seek. Somebody who sees their ultimate happiness in marriage will spend more time in getting to that point. Somebody who is happy with themself will spend less time searching. Obviously effort is required to achieve any goal. The question is how important is that goal. Let me put it this way - Is the working mom who misses her kids' soccer games worse than the young single who spends all their time dating instead of taking time to read a good book?

As far as your second comment, sharing my success with offspring is not my goal. I think the world is a bigger place than my DNA.

Shosh and PC - I lean to Shosh's side. I don't see myself as choosing one over the other. I'll date pretty much anyone in Chicago. But between flying to NY for weekend dates (futile) or quitting my job and moving to NY (not ready for that yet), there aren't many options for me to spend more time dating.

MH - can't say from experience, but I would venture to guess that it depends on how you define sucess. Making more money? Possibly. But having a rewarding career often involves a lot of risks and less pay. Most people who are married are forced to take stable roles that may not excite them in order to put food on the table. I'm not sure if that is success.
 

you know what they say - der mensh tracht und gutt lacht...
but i hope things sort themselves out for the best
 

okay- group vote, here, please: if i have a girl who has a big secret crush on josh
(from reading his blog) and is willing to travel to chicago to date him,is not from new york, and is stable, emotionally solid and available- do you think he should give her a chance? she is also cute, smart, from a good (although not frum) family, creative, kind, and a geat cook... so, what do you all think????????
 

ha! you totally got me on the post dates.
here's my quick defense...
with two kids, it's really i'm lucky i know which day of the week it is, let alone the actual date...
:D
 

Sorry Shosh. I don't live in Canada -this is a democracy. BlogBlond called for a referendum, and I'll go along with her. Majority rules. So y'all better take sides.
 

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the link!This is the first, and I can't keep my eyes off of it. I've even checked it to make sure it works. Thanks so much, both for the link and for the category it's under.
Oh, and I'm with BlogBlond.
 

Sara, I'd love to take your praise, but you were linked first by Lvnsm27. You'd be surprised by how fast blogs spread.

And for those keeping track, 1-0.
 

ok, josh- so how many votes will it take until i have official permission to send you info about the girl?
 

All votes must be in by tonight at midnight. But what info? I thought I was going in blind. That makes for a much better blog post.
 

so i should just, like, dress her in a trenchcoat and have her show up at your door?
 

Josh, thanks for telling me. I've corrected that. Yes, I'm surprised! I feel like I've "made it"! Not that I appreciate your link any less.
 

Shosh - Think of it like a Reality Show. It'll be a ratings bonanza!

BB - Surprise me if you want. I'm just saying that I'm not into asking tons of questions to begin with. So why not just add to the intrigue and go totally blind. Although, maybe that would be asking much for a travelling date.
 

...an enigma...
 

So apparently the voting is going well, but hummm...just because I happen to enjoy and appreciate someone's righting style does not mean I would not appreciate more info before making the trek to meet them, although a blind date would make for a great story I admit. hmmm, things to ponder.......
 

Before anyone comments on it, I realize I was not paying attention, writing.....oh well I knew commenting was going to get me into trouble.
 

Anon- Glad you caught yourself there. I'm not sure if you are the person BB was referring to, or are just speaking abstractly. But voting is definitely over, so ask and ye shall receive.
 

Alas I am she.... and I think I should get to vote late as I was only informed of the voting this past Shabbos afternoon. Also, as a side note to all your avid readers, I am not sure I am qualified to humble anyone if that was Shosh's thought.
 

Out of my eternal goodness, I will grant you a late vote (not sure why, the vote was 4-0). But I certainly want to give my bashert a say in the matter.

And don't put yourself down, I'm sure you're more than qualified to humble me. Otherwise, what's the point?

Assuming the vote passes after you vote...you might want to A) Make up a name so that you don't get confused with any other Anons (you don't need an account, just choose "Other" when selecting your identity), and B) check out the "More Josh" Links on the right side of the page. That'll skip you right past asking the obvious questions, into the deep soul searching stuff that I have to make up on the spot.

This is going to be fun!
 

The real question is what to be known as, I mean choosing an identity wow, what a conundrum. Do I pick something all-powerful, such as, hmm “the one and only”…. or do I go a little more understated with something like “girl”??? Perhaps I’ll go with one of my interests, yes that’s it, "art girl", or how about "baker girl", and well none of them sound so great. I got it now…and no it is not all that fabulous either, but I am taxed out at the moment as I am studying for an exam.

Oh yeah and the vote, I think I'll vote no just to be contrary.
 

Why does everyone seem to think that career and marriage are mutually exclusive? Both my husband and I could not be where we are in our professional lives without the encouragement and support we receive from each other. If Josh is having trouble with the travel dates my opinion is that he just hasn't felt the empty place in his life that can only be filled by a wife(not a good job). Or maybe he has felt it and is so frightened by not finding his mythical "soulmate" that he numbs his pain by affirming his misconception that life is either or. Dating is about finding someone you really like to be with. Marriage is about working on yourself so that you and that someone become soulmates.
 

OML- I think it's more of the first, although I'll admit some aspects of dating do frighten me to death. I'm not unhappy single. So I don't see a reason to juggle my life around trying to find a wife. I know marriage would be great and personally beneficial, but I don't think singlehood is an empty void that one should invest all of one's energy trying to escape. I just move ahead, with an open mind, and when Gd brings an opportunity to meet my bashert into my life, I won't look away.
 

I have been meaning to ask, what constitutes a "deep sole searching" type question. I was wondering if asking about your feelings and opinions on such things as the random quotes that textbook writers feel the need to include in the margins of their books is one of them. In case you are wondering I have been reading a psychology text book and find it odd that it includes such quotes as, "the world would be a safer place if we put men in a cryogenic sleep state between the ages of 12 and 28." Why on earth is that supposed to make the concepts more easily understood and digestible????
 

PC, I've done some research, and I believe I granted you the opportunity to ask a "Soul searching" question, not to ask me about footwear. Just teasing. Well kind of. Footwear would be about as random as your psychology quotes.

I actually think those quotes are the best. What better reason to keep up the boring reading but to get to the next exciting quote? It's a shame that the authors don't have enough confidence in their text alone being enough of a page-turner, but at least this technique keeps the student engaged as they sift through tons of material.

A quick anecdote - at work, a daily calendar is distributed at the beginning of the year by HR. It's filled with all kinds of company tidbits and HR info. But every few pages also includes a quote that is meant to be inspiration in the workplace. If you look at my calendar, you'll see that I've torn out all the company info and HR pointers, and retained every memorable quote.

What's my point? If you're not a pyschology major, tear out all that useless text and enjoy these teasers. If you're a pyschology major, you might want to look for a new major.

For the record, you can ask as many questions as you please. Or at least until you give up in frustration...
 

Frustration??? I have an older brother whose greatest love is to argue incessantly about nothing, in other words I am rarely frustrated as I am to used to him and his, wait we can't be done yet we have not argued enough demeanor.
Happily, I have finished with the Intro to Psych they (the greater minds at our higher institutions) insisted on me taking.
 

Who-hoo! I'm 26 and single. The only flip is that I'm a woman and in some frum circles that's a true oddity. Even so, because of my 'status' the earliest I could get married is 27 or 28 even. Sometimes, I see the worry on the faces of friends which practically scream out "What are you going to do???". What else is there to do? Think about other things.

On the flip side I like my job. I take care of myself, and I enjoy my free time. I also have time to go to shirium, lectures, different cities, etc. I don't believe that just because you're married, you're life stops progressing. But sometimes it works out that way. I know of quite a few women, Jewish and non, where all their dreams and goals went out the window when they walked down the aisle. And I don't always blame them. Sometimes it's just not possible to "do it all". I feel blessed to have had this time to do all that I have done so far.

I think the trick is to determine when you are ready to settle down and not listen to what is suggested by your friends, community or even family about when you should get married - if you feel deep down you are not ready.
 

MS - Spot on. I don't think work needs to be a consolation prize. But, both before and after marriage, work can be a rewarding endeavor. Marriage should be another area of growth in your life, but not a "be all and end all."
 

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