Sunday, December 25, 2005
My Little Princess
Chanukah is a time that we really celebrate Jewish identity more than any other holiday. It is a festival dedicated, not "for the rest of us," but specifically towards the ability of the Jewish people to stick together for so many years. In the face of Greek assimilation, the Maccabees retained enough pride to bring the Jewish nation back to prominence. It is in this spirit that one of the Rabbi's at the Skokie Community Kollel, Rabbi Yakov Kreisman, spoke of the inherent contradiction in any attempts to bridge the gap between Chanukah and other holidays that fall out around the same time of year.
But I'm not about to start off on yet another Chrismukkah rant. Aside from having been extensively covered this holiday season, it isn't the most pressing "assimilation" issue that I've seen recently. It's easy to look at a holiday and say, "That's their holiday, this is our holiday." Preserving your heritage is easy when you look at overtly religious distinctions. It is cultural nuances and societal mores, however, that can be more subtle, and one-hundred times more pervasive. In reality, it is the phenomenon of raising "Princesses" that has increasingly attracted my ire.
I don't know where the notion came from that every little girl should be treated with cotton gloves, primped and spoiled to produce only the finest, delicate and worthless human being imaginable. I have nothing against beauty and refinement, but I certainly don't see them as ends unto themselves. But yet American girls seem to be raised that if only they can be gorgeous caricatures of fairytale princesses, they will have validated their existence. That makes me sick. Women have plenty more to contribute to this world than their looks, and never challenging them to use their abilities certainly stunts their character growth.
And unfortunately, this has seeped into the Frum community. While the JAP isn't native to the religious world, the Orthodox have certainly adopted her as their queen. Girls from the Modern Orthodox to the Chassidiche communities are brought up to be married off. They are sent to polishing schools, and are expected to excel in those same superficial measures as the non-Jewish world. Unfortunately, the independent young woman with much real ability to offer the world is usually shoved to the periphery of the Shidduch market, seen as too risky a catch for the best guys.
Feh. Of all the things to assimilate. Merry Chanukah.
But I'm not about to start off on yet another Chrismukkah rant. Aside from having been extensively covered this holiday season, it isn't the most pressing "assimilation" issue that I've seen recently. It's easy to look at a holiday and say, "That's their holiday, this is our holiday." Preserving your heritage is easy when you look at overtly religious distinctions. It is cultural nuances and societal mores, however, that can be more subtle, and one-hundred times more pervasive. In reality, it is the phenomenon of raising "Princesses" that has increasingly attracted my ire.
I don't know where the notion came from that every little girl should be treated with cotton gloves, primped and spoiled to produce only the finest, delicate and worthless human being imaginable. I have nothing against beauty and refinement, but I certainly don't see them as ends unto themselves. But yet American girls seem to be raised that if only they can be gorgeous caricatures of fairytale princesses, they will have validated their existence. That makes me sick. Women have plenty more to contribute to this world than their looks, and never challenging them to use their abilities certainly stunts their character growth.
And unfortunately, this has seeped into the Frum community. While the JAP isn't native to the religious world, the Orthodox have certainly adopted her as their queen. Girls from the Modern Orthodox to the Chassidiche communities are brought up to be married off. They are sent to polishing schools, and are expected to excel in those same superficial measures as the non-Jewish world. Unfortunately, the independent young woman with much real ability to offer the world is usually shoved to the periphery of the Shidduch market, seen as too risky a catch for the best guys.
Feh. Of all the things to assimilate. Merry Chanukah.
# posted by Josh : Sunday, December 25, 2005
Comments:
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Yeah, try being one of those women who wants to be independent and successful and achieve something in life, and has everyone tell her that she should focus on getting married instead. Try being in graduate school and being introduced to shadchans as someone who is a great baker and cook. No mention of anything else. The "princess" thing sucks for women who don't want to be them also.
Wow, shocking to hear that a bochur is writing this, I thought they only want pretty and skinny. All us chicks work so hard on being skinny so we can date, may there be many more boys with your refreshing attitude!!!
# posted by 
: December 26, 2005 7:35 PM
: December 26, 2005 7:35 PM
Amen to what you said about the "JAP" ideal being adopted by the religious Jewish community; it really is unfortunate. :-(
great post.
yikes, and after i admit to on occasion wanting to be more "girly." ha! (but not jappy, not by far.)
yikes, and after i admit to on occasion wanting to be more "girly." ha! (but not jappy, not by far.)
Mas- I'm all for socially adept women, as long as they want to use that skill to build up communities, not turn them into fueding cliques.
jGuru - You betcha.
Shoshana - Exactly. It is a shame that your talents can't ALL be appreciated. Good cooking is great, but it doesn't validate one's existence. I'd rather marry a women who will change the world, and order carry out if she's a disaster in the kitchen. It seems like an economic trade-off to me.
Anon - You bring up a point that I need to clarify. I wasn't necessarily referring to guys and shidduchim, as much as parents and daughters. I would be the biggest hypocrite if I said that I don't care about looks. I guess that partially undermines my argument- parents raise their girls to be princesses because they know that it's what guys want. I pretty but empty girl will certainly find a good shidduch, but a smart girl with no social grace may face years of looking. Obviously American-style marketing plays a role in how we raise our kids- supply and demand. That being said, I just feel it is a shame that brains are neglected in this contest.
PC - Your last point is the most central. A women can't do it all. Very true, but it is the measure of what she can be that should rate her; all women shouldn't be simply reduced to the lowest common denominator of looks. A woman should have no less of a motivation to impact the world around her than a man should. Of course, in a society where even men can't think beyond "higher paychecks" as the sole demarcation of success, we may have found a match for the Barbie doll.
Bec - Girly does not equal Jappy (not for the purposes of this rant, at least.)
EC - The point of blogging is to engage other people in thought. Glad I could inspire.
jGuru - You betcha.
Shoshana - Exactly. It is a shame that your talents can't ALL be appreciated. Good cooking is great, but it doesn't validate one's existence. I'd rather marry a women who will change the world, and order carry out if she's a disaster in the kitchen. It seems like an economic trade-off to me.
Anon - You bring up a point that I need to clarify. I wasn't necessarily referring to guys and shidduchim, as much as parents and daughters. I would be the biggest hypocrite if I said that I don't care about looks. I guess that partially undermines my argument- parents raise their girls to be princesses because they know that it's what guys want. I pretty but empty girl will certainly find a good shidduch, but a smart girl with no social grace may face years of looking. Obviously American-style marketing plays a role in how we raise our kids- supply and demand. That being said, I just feel it is a shame that brains are neglected in this contest.
PC - Your last point is the most central. A women can't do it all. Very true, but it is the measure of what she can be that should rate her; all women shouldn't be simply reduced to the lowest common denominator of looks. A woman should have no less of a motivation to impact the world around her than a man should. Of course, in a society where even men can't think beyond "higher paychecks" as the sole demarcation of success, we may have found a match for the Barbie doll.
Bec - Girly does not equal Jappy (not for the purposes of this rant, at least.)
EC - The point of blogging is to engage other people in thought. Glad I could inspire.
Josh is correct. Too much empthasis has been placed on superficial qualities. We need to focus more on what is inside.
One young guy I know walked into a room full of 50 young Jewish women his age and found about 5 in the whole room phyisically attractive. Fortunetly, most young Jewish guys are not like that.
One young guy I know walked into a room full of 50 young Jewish women his age and found about 5 in the whole room phyisically attractive. Fortunetly, most young Jewish guys are not like that.
You are spot on about parents/daughters, Josh. I think it's misguided love though. Parents generally want what is best for their offspring and finding a suitable mate for one's children is a laudable enterprise for Yidden. Basically, they are working to the market norm. It's only when nice Jewish guys like you begin to speak up and demand a real Aishes Chayil, that things will start to change. Why in the world do we sing this prayer every Shabbes with the kinderlach hearing? Hopefully, its lessons will sink it.
Araya - While I may be interested in a girl who isn't afraid to chase her dreams, that may not be the case for everybody. Being pretty and a trophy will get you married, at least more likely than being an intellectually challenging person. Just my perceived opinion. But I think that ultimately, everyone should strive for their own acheivements, because I think that will make them happier than trimming down their life so that they can accomplish one feat - marriage.
David - I may put together a post on your two lines.
AV - It is definitely love, and it is definitely misguided. Part of it is catering to the market. But part of it is simply "spoiling," pampering a girl to the point where she expects to be put on a pedestal her whole life based on her Princess qualities. This is a positive reinforcement of a negative (and empty) behavior. The problem starts, but doesn't stop, with parents.
David - I may put together a post on your two lines.
AV - It is definitely love, and it is definitely misguided. Part of it is catering to the market. But part of it is simply "spoiling," pampering a girl to the point where she expects to be put on a pedestal her whole life based on her Princess qualities. This is a positive reinforcement of a negative (and empty) behavior. The problem starts, but doesn't stop, with parents.
This pampering goes both ways, Josh. Why do you think so many young men think that they should have just the perfect size 6, sterling middos, wealthy parents, etc.? I don't think that the royal family consists of only Princesses - there are a fair number of Princes as well.
AV - I fully agree that women's roles are heavily influenced by demand from men, but I wouldn't say they are trained to be empty princes. In fact, men probably have the exact problem. To get the best catch, they have to be everything, an equally unrealistic, and often unsatisfactory, existence. Obviously, everyone needs to just put their head on straight, and make their own decisions.
Araya - I don't have any teaching experience, unless you count two days of subbing. I'm not good at it. And people shouldn't be pressured to do what they aren't good at because of societal expectations. I'd love to hear about what teaching means to you.
Araya - I don't have any teaching experience, unless you count two days of subbing. I'm not good at it. And people shouldn't be pressured to do what they aren't good at because of societal expectations. I'd love to hear about what teaching means to you.
Strange that noone has taken you to task for being one sided. What about the girls expecting the guy to be tall, dark, handsome, rich, the best bachur in the yeshiva, yichus and on it goes. Lets call a spade a spade. Many girls have unreal expectations of guys, especially the pretty ones (or those that think they are).
# posted by : January 02, 2006 10:37 PM
: January 02, 2006 10:37 PM
Eli - I definitely agree. Part of a princesses' fantasy world is expecting a prince. So much to say on this, but just want to voice my agreement.
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