Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Guys Have Feelings Too
There are some emails you just can't send. But that doesn't mean you can't blog them...
There are all different kinds of friends.
No matter where time has taken us, every time I think of you a lump forms in my throat. I promised myself that I wouldn't make you cry, I'd cut out the sentimental emails. I know our relationship had a lot to do with shidduchim, but it was more than just setting each other up- you were the kind of best friend that I could trust, open up to, feel comfortable with. I wish a professional "shadchan" relationship wasn't the only avenue for keeping our relationship open.
But that doesn't mean that I don't have feelings that I wish I could express. Truth be told, I remember very little of the relationship that we had. But as the mind fades, the heart remains just as vibrant. We met a year and a half ago, and probably haven't seen each other for almost a year. You'd think you wouldn't mean anything to me, or at least would have faded into distant memories. But every time I hear your name, see you online, my breath deepens, my chest swells. Even hearing about your simchas brings tears to my eyes.
Your chosson must know you're special. If I feel the way I do, I can only imagine how close you two must feel. I know in our community there is no room for a continued friendship. I don't understand why.
But despite the vacuum I feel today, I'd never give up the friendship we had and everything I gained from you. Whenever I hear about you, I will always cry inside. Always keep in touch.
There are all different kinds of friends.
No matter where time has taken us, every time I think of you a lump forms in my throat. I promised myself that I wouldn't make you cry, I'd cut out the sentimental emails. I know our relationship had a lot to do with shidduchim, but it was more than just setting each other up- you were the kind of best friend that I could trust, open up to, feel comfortable with. I wish a professional "shadchan" relationship wasn't the only avenue for keeping our relationship open.
But that doesn't mean that I don't have feelings that I wish I could express. Truth be told, I remember very little of the relationship that we had. But as the mind fades, the heart remains just as vibrant. We met a year and a half ago, and probably haven't seen each other for almost a year. You'd think you wouldn't mean anything to me, or at least would have faded into distant memories. But every time I hear your name, see you online, my breath deepens, my chest swells. Even hearing about your simchas brings tears to my eyes.
Your chosson must know you're special. If I feel the way I do, I can only imagine how close you two must feel. I know in our community there is no room for a continued friendship. I don't understand why.
But despite the vacuum I feel today, I'd never give up the friendship we had and everything I gained from you. Whenever I hear about you, I will always cry inside. Always keep in touch.
# posted by Josh : Wednesday, January 04, 2006
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wow...that seriously made me teary eyed...
it's been a long time since i've seen/heard from you but while on the phone with a friend we thought of you, googled you (the wonders of the internet) and found this blog...
aside from this posting (very random one to start with) it's sounds like your life is going well (was nosey and read some others - sorry!)..glad to hear it!
all the best
it's been a long time since i've seen/heard from you but while on the phone with a friend we thought of you, googled you (the wonders of the internet) and found this blog...
aside from this posting (very random one to start with) it's sounds like your life is going well (was nosey and read some others - sorry!)..glad to hear it!
all the best
# posted by 
: January 04, 2006 12:20 PM
: January 04, 2006 12:20 PM
ps. i also want to add that i always thought the "boys and girls can't stay friends" thing to be stupid...but since getting married i've found myself finding it true
the moment i knew i wanted to spend the rest of my life w/my now husband was the moment my guy friendships started fading...it sucks since some of those guys were my best friends but i think it's a matter of respecting your spouse and being careful of those lines that are so easy to cross...
someday you'll find another girl that'll make you just as lovesick as this one did...and when you do you won't let her go
the moment i knew i wanted to spend the rest of my life w/my now husband was the moment my guy friendships started fading...it sucks since some of those guys were my best friends but i think it's a matter of respecting your spouse and being careful of those lines that are so easy to cross...
someday you'll find another girl that'll make you just as lovesick as this one did...and when you do you won't let her go
# posted by : January 04, 2006 5:05 PM
: January 04, 2006 5:05 PM
Ha! You guys are amazing. I had no idea where this post would go, but you definitely took it...
I never even thought of this as a love letter, so points to MH. I'm actually kind of excited- I didn't know my cold heart was capable of such warm emotions- Yay, me!
I'm not going to try and analyze my own writing to figure out type of prose this was- I'll leave that up to you. But where my original intent was to question the boundaries of guy/girl friendships, I know find myself wondering, is there love apart from marriage? In this specific case, I know I don't want to marry this person; I'd be miserable. But yet I obviously have very strong emotions. Just friends? Probably not. Can you find love, and it not be your bashert? Obviously marriage is built on so much more than love, so what of the love that doesn't have all that material? And, now, can you justify a guy/girl friendship if it hits an emotional chord, or only if it's a little more distant?
Anon (Number 1?) - That was hysterical and had me on the floor at work. I'm glad you found my blog, and I hope you'll reach out and reconnect. I definitely hope you'll keep coming back to find out what's new with my life. I can honestly tell you that most of my writing doesn't scream "anti-depressant."
Marc - I just want to say that YOU are the man. Just because.
I never even thought of this as a love letter, so points to MH. I'm actually kind of excited- I didn't know my cold heart was capable of such warm emotions- Yay, me!
I'm not going to try and analyze my own writing to figure out type of prose this was- I'll leave that up to you. But where my original intent was to question the boundaries of guy/girl friendships, I know find myself wondering, is there love apart from marriage? In this specific case, I know I don't want to marry this person; I'd be miserable. But yet I obviously have very strong emotions. Just friends? Probably not. Can you find love, and it not be your bashert? Obviously marriage is built on so much more than love, so what of the love that doesn't have all that material? And, now, can you justify a guy/girl friendship if it hits an emotional chord, or only if it's a little more distant?
Anon (Number 1?) - That was hysterical and had me on the floor at work. I'm glad you found my blog, and I hope you'll reach out and reconnect. I definitely hope you'll keep coming back to find out what's new with my life. I can honestly tell you that most of my writing doesn't scream "anti-depressant."
Marc - I just want to say that YOU are the man. Just because.
josh - so here's the question. do you feel this way about any of your guy friends?
and for the record, i think it is possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex and it can give you a different perspective, which is always nice.
and for the record, i think it is possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex and it can give you a different perspective, which is always nice.
i think the funniest was that until this line: "Your chosson must know you're special." i was thinking, 'why is josh writing this to another guy?' totally missing the shadchan line in the first paragraph!!!!! hahahahahaahaaa!!!!!!!!!!
but, uh, yeah, other than that, great letter.
:D
but, uh, yeah, other than that, great letter.
:D
MH - Good question, no. I find it hard to trust guys in the same way. I think it has to do with guys never taking anything seriously.
Masmida- if you are in love outside of marriage, does that mean you didn't marry your Bashert?
As I've read everyone's comments (and got one obnoxious voicemail at work- you know who you are), I've realized that maybe this girl understood this before I did. At one point, we basically verbalized the need to separate. While I took this as the need to just distance the relationship to something less intense, I think she saw it as a "breakup." If I had understood this then, I would have "gotten over her" like an ex-girlfriend (I've never had one). But it is the fact that I still see us as friends, albeit distant, that creates the hurt. It feels one sided. And maybe it is because I never let go of her when she let go of me. Maybe it's over.
Masmida- if you are in love outside of marriage, does that mean you didn't marry your Bashert?
As I've read everyone's comments (and got one obnoxious voicemail at work- you know who you are), I've realized that maybe this girl understood this before I did. At one point, we basically verbalized the need to separate. While I took this as the need to just distance the relationship to something less intense, I think she saw it as a "breakup." If I had understood this then, I would have "gotten over her" like an ex-girlfriend (I've never had one). But it is the fact that I still see us as friends, albeit distant, that creates the hurt. It feels one sided. And maybe it is because I never let go of her when she let go of me. Maybe it's over.
Josh - I don't think it's that guys don't take things seriously...I think it's that they haven't been socialized to talk to other guys that way. Witness the fact that so many guys seem to like speaking to/confiding in women. I'm sorry she "broke up" with you. Any time we make a connection with someone (and it doesn't have to be love) it feels precious. It's that someone "gets you".
MH - Thank you. I think you made a true distinction between "love" and "friendship". Just because you've built up trust and understanding, doesn't mean it's "love," at least in the romantic sense. This is a good answer to the is it possible to love somebody other than your wife. I think you can have this deep friendship outside of marriage, but that in no way impedes on your marriage. And guys usually just don't care about emotions or drama, regardless of upbringing. I'll admit, I don't like to dwell on them that much either.
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