Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Transition
I still have a lot to say following my trip, and I'm not sure how I can squeeze it all in without seeming forced. Unfortunately, I think I will have to discuss multiple subjects in each post, and may write more often than usual in order to catch up. I'm not a spiritual person, I'm very grounded. So my head being in the clouds is weird, and I have to get used to that as well. I just hope that I get used to living in the clouds, rather than the clouds blowing away. I hope my long Shemona Esrei is here to stay.
One of the awkward issues that arose in Israel was the number of friends who told me that they read my blog - and thought it was weird. Or rather, that I was weird. I'm comfortable with them having their opinion, I'm not going to hide myself from anyone. I say what I want to, what I believe, and I'm not ashamed. (Although I did think of one thing that finally made me consider whether I could discuss it, or whether anonymity would have been the only way to let totally loose. Still an unresolved matter at this point.)
One of the most surprising adjustments coming back is my almost unnatural fear of the internet. I'm not from Lakewood, but I know why it was banned. All day at work today, I feared coming home to the internet, fearful for how I might misuse it. I carefully timed my schedule, so that I'd be online for the least possible time. It'll definitely cut into blogging, but I don't want to waste time. I don't want to fall into the same old traps. I'm looking to start a night seder now, and pretty much anything that will keep me away from the computer and myself.
When I arrived in Israel, I was "read" four different girls in my first 5 hours there. I'm not sure what about my vacation said "I'm a dating machine," but it was nice that they thought of me at least. I went out with two girls, but I'm not sure if it was a good idea. It was a distraction from my learning for the week, and it didn't give me much more focus than on a random dating weekend in New York. Sometimes I think I should only go out with people that have been carefully screened, but other times I feel like I should just leave myself open to whatever Gd's plan may be. I want to get married. But I haven't found anyone interesting yet. Perhaps I'm not mature yet. Or don't know exactly what I'm looking for yet. I could "connect" with anyone, but I'm still picky. I don't want to wake up annoyed in ten years from having married a small minded woman. I'm just looking for frum, open minded, out of the box, willing to follow the truth wherever it is, even if it flies in the face of "normalcy," low maintenance, easygoing, good sense of humor, relates well to all types of people, good looking, middos, and ambition - this is what I usually find lacking. I have no problem with women being stay at homes or teachers, but at least be passionate about it, not just heading there by default. Have some scope beyond self and family to building the world at large.
I get the feeling that I didn't accomplish what I wanted with this post. But perhaps I did, as I think I'll be ready to address actual topics tomorrow. I apologize if my writing is disorganized, offensive, or cryptic, but I want to get off the computer as soon as possible.
One of the awkward issues that arose in Israel was the number of friends who told me that they read my blog - and thought it was weird. Or rather, that I was weird. I'm comfortable with them having their opinion, I'm not going to hide myself from anyone. I say what I want to, what I believe, and I'm not ashamed. (Although I did think of one thing that finally made me consider whether I could discuss it, or whether anonymity would have been the only way to let totally loose. Still an unresolved matter at this point.)
One of the most surprising adjustments coming back is my almost unnatural fear of the internet. I'm not from Lakewood, but I know why it was banned. All day at work today, I feared coming home to the internet, fearful for how I might misuse it. I carefully timed my schedule, so that I'd be online for the least possible time. It'll definitely cut into blogging, but I don't want to waste time. I don't want to fall into the same old traps. I'm looking to start a night seder now, and pretty much anything that will keep me away from the computer and myself.
When I arrived in Israel, I was "read" four different girls in my first 5 hours there. I'm not sure what about my vacation said "I'm a dating machine," but it was nice that they thought of me at least. I went out with two girls, but I'm not sure if it was a good idea. It was a distraction from my learning for the week, and it didn't give me much more focus than on a random dating weekend in New York. Sometimes I think I should only go out with people that have been carefully screened, but other times I feel like I should just leave myself open to whatever Gd's plan may be. I want to get married. But I haven't found anyone interesting yet. Perhaps I'm not mature yet. Or don't know exactly what I'm looking for yet. I could "connect" with anyone, but I'm still picky. I don't want to wake up annoyed in ten years from having married a small minded woman. I'm just looking for frum, open minded, out of the box, willing to follow the truth wherever it is, even if it flies in the face of "normalcy," low maintenance, easygoing, good sense of humor, relates well to all types of people, good looking, middos, and ambition - this is what I usually find lacking. I have no problem with women being stay at homes or teachers, but at least be passionate about it, not just heading there by default. Have some scope beyond self and family to building the world at large.
I get the feeling that I didn't accomplish what I wanted with this post. But perhaps I did, as I think I'll be ready to address actual topics tomorrow. I apologize if my writing is disorganized, offensive, or cryptic, but I want to get off the computer as soon as possible.
# posted by Josh : Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Comments:
<< Home
Well, it certainly can't be said that those who go to Israel do not come back changed people.
Josh, I think there's a saying, which I'm not sure where it has its roots, that's something along the lines of "An idle mind is the devil's playground."
Josh, I think there's a saying, which I'm not sure where it has its roots, that's something along the lines of "An idle mind is the devil's playground."
Hi Josh,
I've been like absent from your blog for like way too long and for no real good reason. You write so well, have such great thoughts, and you're as weird as we all are!
I'm happy I got to check in. My access has been sporadic at best, and then I like had to attend to my neglected blog, which I think is pretty much in shambles by now. I'm sorry if things got out-of-hand for you, but I totally understand. I respect your discretion and self-control which not a lot of us have.
Just wanted to say hi, and you're so funny about the dating machine thing. But it is nice when friends think about us. You bring up a very good point about to like only go out with people you screen well before or give everything a fair chance. I think too much and when it's like totally not on the right track just confuses, but on the other hand some marriges are like you'd never picture that in a million years, yet they so seem to work. So like you never know.
Your last comment about on my blog my 'emotional state' was more true than you can ever imagine. Hope to post more about that soon.
Shalom
I've been like absent from your blog for like way too long and for no real good reason. You write so well, have such great thoughts, and you're as weird as we all are!
I'm happy I got to check in. My access has been sporadic at best, and then I like had to attend to my neglected blog, which I think is pretty much in shambles by now. I'm sorry if things got out-of-hand for you, but I totally understand. I respect your discretion and self-control which not a lot of us have.
Just wanted to say hi, and you're so funny about the dating machine thing. But it is nice when friends think about us. You bring up a very good point about to like only go out with people you screen well before or give everything a fair chance. I think too much and when it's like totally not on the right track just confuses, but on the other hand some marriges are like you'd never picture that in a million years, yet they so seem to work. So like you never know.
Your last comment about on my blog my 'emotional state' was more true than you can ever imagine. Hope to post more about that soon.
Shalom
Welcome back.
People crack me up with how they feel they can just "come out with" all sort of comments on how you are and really, they don't know you at all. Before becoming relgious I was heavily involved in music promotion with punk and hip-hop bands. These girls would come backstage on VIP passes talking to the guys in the band about how they know how their favorite color is blue. Um, where did you get that from? Oh because you sang about it in song X. Hahaha! It was such a riot. Like every lyric sung by a singer is revealing their innermost secrets or something. Nothing could be further from the truth!
Blogs are just teeny tiny snippets as to what we feel at a particular moment - nothing more. Don't think the problem lies in your presentation or writing style; but rather in the fantastical imaginations of your readers.
People crack me up with how they feel they can just "come out with" all sort of comments on how you are and really, they don't know you at all. Before becoming relgious I was heavily involved in music promotion with punk and hip-hop bands. These girls would come backstage on VIP passes talking to the guys in the band about how they know how their favorite color is blue. Um, where did you get that from? Oh because you sang about it in song X. Hahaha! It was such a riot. Like every lyric sung by a singer is revealing their innermost secrets or something. Nothing could be further from the truth!
Blogs are just teeny tiny snippets as to what we feel at a particular moment - nothing more. Don't think the problem lies in your presentation or writing style; but rather in the fantastical imaginations of your readers.
Oh, Josh - yours is a predicament I see over and over again in my Religious friends. Everyone wants to marry "The Unorthodox Orthodox Jew". The problem is that they don't give off these vibes and hang out around regular, square-minded Orthdodox Jews. Then they wonder why they are frustrated.
Personally, I think issues like this, and similar issues within the non-Orthodox world, are the secret to the Jewish "marriage crisis". Having been on the other end of this, I will venture to say that too many people are looking for someone to entertain them and be daring for them when they may not always be so adventurous themselves (saying nothing about you personally since I don't know you, but this is what I have observed over the years). Either that or they are not making themselves apparent to the kind of people they seek.
A couple of my Orthodox male friends have had satisfying relationships that could have ended in marriage (if the woman was willing to marry him) with women slightly less religious than they are. For instance, these guys were usually Modern Orthodox and dated Conservadox women (after learning to compromise a little on religious observance requirements). However, another guy seems consistently drawn to straight up Reform and left-leaning Conservatve Jews. Those relationships always self-destruct in the end for obvious reasons.
Another culprit is that people don't learn social skills with the opposite sex. An Orthodox guy I dated told me his parents met at a Young Israel dance (as in MIXED DANCING!!!) on the Lower East Side in about the late 60s or so. Nowadays, apparently, Young Israel would never have a dance like that. Also, this same guy told me he his brother was almost expelled from his school because the Rosh Yeshiva saw him talking to a girl in a pizza shop AFTER school hours. After 18 years of this no wonder it is hard to establish and maintain satisfying relationships with the opposite sex. I have seen dating sites that tell young Yeshivish guys to brush their teeth before dates - like that should even need to be said!
But other than that, weird is good. One complaint many people have about the Orthodox world is that its very conformist. I gather that this is starting to break down so that the situation will be better in about 10 years or so.
Personally, I think issues like this, and similar issues within the non-Orthodox world, are the secret to the Jewish "marriage crisis". Having been on the other end of this, I will venture to say that too many people are looking for someone to entertain them and be daring for them when they may not always be so adventurous themselves (saying nothing about you personally since I don't know you, but this is what I have observed over the years). Either that or they are not making themselves apparent to the kind of people they seek.
A couple of my Orthodox male friends have had satisfying relationships that could have ended in marriage (if the woman was willing to marry him) with women slightly less religious than they are. For instance, these guys were usually Modern Orthodox and dated Conservadox women (after learning to compromise a little on religious observance requirements). However, another guy seems consistently drawn to straight up Reform and left-leaning Conservatve Jews. Those relationships always self-destruct in the end for obvious reasons.
Another culprit is that people don't learn social skills with the opposite sex. An Orthodox guy I dated told me his parents met at a Young Israel dance (as in MIXED DANCING!!!) on the Lower East Side in about the late 60s or so. Nowadays, apparently, Young Israel would never have a dance like that. Also, this same guy told me he his brother was almost expelled from his school because the Rosh Yeshiva saw him talking to a girl in a pizza shop AFTER school hours. After 18 years of this no wonder it is hard to establish and maintain satisfying relationships with the opposite sex. I have seen dating sites that tell young Yeshivish guys to brush their teeth before dates - like that should even need to be said!
But other than that, weird is good. One complaint many people have about the Orthodox world is that its very conformist. I gather that this is starting to break down so that the situation will be better in about 10 years or so.
MH - As they say in Kindergarten, "Takes one to know one!"
Marc - My favorite comment ever on my blog was some Anonymous person from my past who stumbled on my blog, and thought I was weird. That was classic. I think you also have a better use of where to waste time on the internet. But you're married, so Carla probably keeps you in line.
A - What's wrong with you?
E - I totally believe that one of the reason Judaism keeps us so busy, is because to be productive is to be like Gd. That would make the flip-side, idleness, to be like the Devil. So it isn't just a psychological idea, but practically, you're giving up on so much possibility by doing nothing, that it's natural to slip into the opposite, distancing your relationship with Gd.
Bec - I think you're an inspiration to us all. I hope we can all join you. But I'm more of an Old City/Shaarei Chessed kind of guy.
Elisheva - Thanks for checking in, I'm honored, knowing how busy you've been! I try to keep an open mind with girls I go out with, but it's tough, because I feel very pressured when going on dates, with all the planning and everything, so it's frustrating to go out with a girl who is totally not Shayich. Because there aren't that many people to date here, it seems Shadchanim don't really look for that much in common before suggesting anything, and you can't say no to everything. So it's a tough situation - I guess until I move, or have dated every girl outside of NY. That should be enough to count on one hand.
MS - Probably true that readers imagine things. I think that is part of the reason I have developed such strong bonds with some bloggers. I barely know them, but I fill in all the gaps with stuff I want, so I feel that much closer, because they are kind of like imaginary friends.
Treif - Great observations. It is hard to spot the Unorthodox frum people from regular dating. From blogworld, it seems like the majority, but on a date, all you see is the pretty normal facade. Truthfully, if I was impressed with a girl's personality and looks, I would probably do more effort to dig deeper. But with first impressions lacking, I'll be honest that I'm just not that inspired to peel back the layers.
Post a Comment
Marc - My favorite comment ever on my blog was some Anonymous person from my past who stumbled on my blog, and thought I was weird. That was classic. I think you also have a better use of where to waste time on the internet. But you're married, so Carla probably keeps you in line.
A - What's wrong with you?
E - I totally believe that one of the reason Judaism keeps us so busy, is because to be productive is to be like Gd. That would make the flip-side, idleness, to be like the Devil. So it isn't just a psychological idea, but practically, you're giving up on so much possibility by doing nothing, that it's natural to slip into the opposite, distancing your relationship with Gd.
Bec - I think you're an inspiration to us all. I hope we can all join you. But I'm more of an Old City/Shaarei Chessed kind of guy.
Elisheva - Thanks for checking in, I'm honored, knowing how busy you've been! I try to keep an open mind with girls I go out with, but it's tough, because I feel very pressured when going on dates, with all the planning and everything, so it's frustrating to go out with a girl who is totally not Shayich. Because there aren't that many people to date here, it seems Shadchanim don't really look for that much in common before suggesting anything, and you can't say no to everything. So it's a tough situation - I guess until I move, or have dated every girl outside of NY. That should be enough to count on one hand.
MS - Probably true that readers imagine things. I think that is part of the reason I have developed such strong bonds with some bloggers. I barely know them, but I fill in all the gaps with stuff I want, so I feel that much closer, because they are kind of like imaginary friends.
Treif - Great observations. It is hard to spot the Unorthodox frum people from regular dating. From blogworld, it seems like the majority, but on a date, all you see is the pretty normal facade. Truthfully, if I was impressed with a girl's personality and looks, I would probably do more effort to dig deeper. But with first impressions lacking, I'll be honest that I'm just not that inspired to peel back the layers.
<< Home
