Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Trapped
It's amazing how so many people feel stuck in a particular religious community. There are a number of bloggers who have written about feeling constrained by living in a world that has so many fixed rules. Some end up leaving them completely, while others end up spending years complaining about how they are being held back against their will.
Personally, I can't comment on every community. But I can say that no place is perfect, and there are always those that won't enjoy a community no matter how ideal it is. People just come with different preferences.
OK, so what is my point?
The decision to find what's right for you is in your own hands. Nobody is holding you back. But nobody is pushing you. Only you can find the right balance between all the elements around you that are right and wrong. You can't necessarily change your community. But you can change who you are. Even if nobody else follows your lead, you'll still be happier being true to what you think is right (if you are really doing what you think is right, but that's a whole different story). And if enough people start to assert their own beliefs, then the community standards will gradually fall in line with being more accepting of people's choices.
Might it hurt your (or your family's) shidduch chances? Might it affect your standing in the Kehilla? Sure. But if you believe that those institutions aren't in-line with what you believe to be true, then playing by their rules won't help you in any way. What good is a "good" shidduch in a system that penalizes you for being yourself? If you have to fake who you are, do you really think you'll get something more in-line with what you want?
This is somewhat of a mini-rant. But I found it self-applicable in many ways. Thanks for listening.
Personally, I can't comment on every community. But I can say that no place is perfect, and there are always those that won't enjoy a community no matter how ideal it is. People just come with different preferences.
OK, so what is my point?
The decision to find what's right for you is in your own hands. Nobody is holding you back. But nobody is pushing you. Only you can find the right balance between all the elements around you that are right and wrong. You can't necessarily change your community. But you can change who you are. Even if nobody else follows your lead, you'll still be happier being true to what you think is right (if you are really doing what you think is right, but that's a whole different story). And if enough people start to assert their own beliefs, then the community standards will gradually fall in line with being more accepting of people's choices.
Might it hurt your (or your family's) shidduch chances? Might it affect your standing in the Kehilla? Sure. But if you believe that those institutions aren't in-line with what you believe to be true, then playing by their rules won't help you in any way. What good is a "good" shidduch in a system that penalizes you for being yourself? If you have to fake who you are, do you really think you'll get something more in-line with what you want?
This is somewhat of a mini-rant. But I found it self-applicable in many ways. Thanks for listening.
# posted by Josh : Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Comments:
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Wow, i totally agree. Granted my perspective is totally different but i agree. in my intro political economy class we spent the first 2 and a half lectures talking about critical thinking. my professor said "i was brought up catholic, my family is catholic and i can't imagine being anything else - but that doesn't mean I am okay with everything about it". So yea, I agree.
Josh, your post reminds me of a huge spritual internal debate many girls in seminary have to go through. For the many people who come from more modern backgrounds, they can sometimes choose what their new "makom" will be, as in their "minhag hamakom" for whether to wear socks/stockings/tights to always keep their lower legs covered. It sounds trivial,but it caused me months of angst. I knew I'd look chanyuk on the beach in socks, but I felt that I was already a member of a more yeshivish community. That's where I identified myself, so eventually, my clothing choices followed. And even though no one would call me ultra ultra orthodox except myself, I still wear the socks!
P.S. Try explaining that one to incredulous family members in 90 degree miami sun...
P.S. Try explaining that one to incredulous family members in 90 degree miami sun...
for being yourself
No one is really themselves, we're all a prodcut of genes mixed with education and various influences, who we think we are is not always a good path to follow.
No one is really themselves, we're all a prodcut of genes mixed with education and various influences, who we think we are is not always a good path to follow.
Carla - I would definitely think you have a good perspective on this. You personally have broken out and changed. Your recent post about your friend Lisa really proves this. It's hard to change, but we can't improve ourselves if we are afraid to grow.
Okee - I've always been interested in anything going through seminary girls' heads, so thanks for sharing. That's a great example of how we need to be able to make our own decisions and not fear other's reactions. Not only do we feel better about ourselves when we do what we feel is right, but I think others respect us more in the end as well. In your specific example, I would respect a girl who wears socks on a beach as much if not more than a girl who wears bullet-proof tights but only does so because her mother buys them for her and she never thought about it twice. Months of angst are worth every second if you let yourself be true to your ideal in the end.
Prag - Obviously there is a fine line between doing our own thing and ignoring any real responsibilities. It's not about being who we think we are, its about being who we believe we need to be.
Misshona - I think a lot of people are afraid of A) having to change, and B) what others will think of them. So it's easier to just turn up the Ipod and watch TV or go shopping. This attempt to tune out our potential is huge in America. But as Jews, we have to aspire to higher accomplishments. This means facing questions about what is right, and pursuing whatever that is which we conclude.
Okee - I've always been interested in anything going through seminary girls' heads, so thanks for sharing. That's a great example of how we need to be able to make our own decisions and not fear other's reactions. Not only do we feel better about ourselves when we do what we feel is right, but I think others respect us more in the end as well. In your specific example, I would respect a girl who wears socks on a beach as much if not more than a girl who wears bullet-proof tights but only does so because her mother buys them for her and she never thought about it twice. Months of angst are worth every second if you let yourself be true to your ideal in the end.
Prag - Obviously there is a fine line between doing our own thing and ignoring any real responsibilities. It's not about being who we think we are, its about being who we believe we need to be.
Misshona - I think a lot of people are afraid of A) having to change, and B) what others will think of them. So it's easier to just turn up the Ipod and watch TV or go shopping. This attempt to tune out our potential is huge in America. But as Jews, we have to aspire to higher accomplishments. This means facing questions about what is right, and pursuing whatever that is which we conclude.
Thanks for describing where I stand. You know me, with aspects of Yeshivish, Modern, Orthodox, even a little Chassid (my family IS from Ger), I don't really fit in with any particular religious group, or social group for that matter. But I think it's given me the opportunity to have friends from all walks of life and religion and the ability to befriend the best people (read: most open and accepting) from these different places. Yes, it makes it hard to date b/c fewer women are matches, but I know I'm conducting myself in a halachikally acceptable way that also makes me feel comfortable.
Let's all note that while Josh has long payot, he's by no means ultra-orthodox. I wouldn't put him in any catergory, and that's why I love him.
Let's all note that while Josh has long payot, he's by no means ultra-orthodox. I wouldn't put him in any catergory, and that's why I love him.
I agree D. I think you're always better off being who you want to be than packaging yourself for Shidduchim. It's easy to think that if we all fit in one of 5 convenient slots it'll be easier. True, we can just match up with anyone in that group, so we can get married faster. But if we don't really feel that we fit that identity exactly, then you wake up one day feeling constrained, which leads to extreme frustration and depression. To be your own unique self means that you'll be looking for the one person who appreciates that uniqueness, which is a more focused search. But once you find that person, there is no comparison to the freedom that provides for you to acheive your full potential.
Not a problem for you. But what about if you marry somebody with bad Yichus. That might hurt your siblings, even though it doesn't bother you. But I agree with you. We shouldn't care. We should be ourselves. We have no requirement, nor is it a good idea, to feed the superficiality by masking our real selves. Even though you might say it is a Jewish trait to think of others before ourselves, I would argue that "thinking of others" here is only superficial. We haven't done anything to hurt anybody in reality. Only if they choose to play into the superficial world which stands in opposition to true Torah values can our decisions hurt them. And we all have an obligation to be part of the solution. So be yourself.
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