Thursday, May 18, 2006
Hot Seat
The sweat soaks the hair at the base of my neck, gathering into beads and rolling in a cold and uneven line down my back. I blink, shoot my eyes to my right, glance at the screen, but quickly avert my gaze. I'm trying to focus, think of the possibilities. There are only two; why is this so hard? What do I want? I thought I knew already, but then I changed my mind. It feels like I've been sitting here, frozen, for hours. Well, it has been almost an hour. And yet I haven't come any closer to making a call. I thought it was a definite yes, then absolutely no. Every second I've known what I wanted, but every minute I had a different answer. But the light, why does it seem so bright? Somebody just tell me what to do!
Paralyzed. That is me. I can't order dinner without going back and forth for ten minutes, changing my mind right after the waiter writes it down, and immediately second guessing my choice. Small decisions, big decisions- it doesn't matter. I'm very analytical, and very idealistic. Every choice to me is Gdly; every choice means good or evil, bettering myself and the world or otherwise. I feel the pressure is unavoidable, even as I rationally realize that I'm handicapping myself.
Some people procrastinate out of laziness, I procrastinate out of fear of the consequences. If I miss an opportunity, that's not my fault. If I make the wrong decision, I have only myself to blame. In the world of theory, deep analysis helps me come up with clearer views on what I want from life. It even helps me guide others. But when it comes down to crunch time, I'm caught in the headlights. I envy the spontaneous people. Not those that act without thinking, but those that can think clearly and be comfortable with their best judgement.
Happiness is just on the other side of the wall. But is it door number one or door number two?
Paralyzed. That is me. I can't order dinner without going back and forth for ten minutes, changing my mind right after the waiter writes it down, and immediately second guessing my choice. Small decisions, big decisions- it doesn't matter. I'm very analytical, and very idealistic. Every choice to me is Gdly; every choice means good or evil, bettering myself and the world or otherwise. I feel the pressure is unavoidable, even as I rationally realize that I'm handicapping myself.
Some people procrastinate out of laziness, I procrastinate out of fear of the consequences. If I miss an opportunity, that's not my fault. If I make the wrong decision, I have only myself to blame. In the world of theory, deep analysis helps me come up with clearer views on what I want from life. It even helps me guide others. But when it comes down to crunch time, I'm caught in the headlights. I envy the spontaneous people. Not those that act without thinking, but those that can think clearly and be comfortable with their best judgement.
Happiness is just on the other side of the wall. But is it door number one or door number two?
# posted by Josh : Thursday, May 18, 2006
Comments:
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wow you took the words out of my mouth, i honestly feel like ive had these thoughts so many times. the fear of making decisions, the ensuing paralysis, the regrets, it torments you not only in the moment of making the decision, but even long after. UGH! the thing ive found that helps me - when im able to do it - is to try and break each decision into lots of baby decisions. the smaller the decision, and the smaller the impact, the easier it is to make. once i make one small decision, i move on the next baby decision.. and eventually i come to a big general decision..
all i can say is good luck!
all i can say is good luck!
I've had a difficult time with decisions as well. But I've notice that in the corporate world, the people who get ahead are the ones who are decisive and confident, even if ultimately their decisions turn out to be bad ones. No one seems to notice that. Anyway - it's like exercising a muscle. Just go ahead and make a choice and don't worry too much. Next time it'll get easier. What's the worst that can happen?
I was just in the same situation, well I mean in a general sense of indecision. May I give you the brach of clarity that I now have.
so for dinners out, i like to order 2 things and share - because inevitably, whatever else the other person orders looks better.
Wow, who knew all of you were so darned indecisive. My thoughts to follow some responses.
M00kie- I hate the word complicated because it's people's reactions to situations where many decisions are required. So what I tell people to do is break it down into simple decisions, and at the end you've come to a conclusion about whatever you would call "complicated."
MH- You know how young I am but I realized the importance of decisiveness long ago. I like to say, even if you're dead wrong, be 100% certain in your decision.
When I make a decision, as a business-minded thinker, I make sure I know every possible outcome. I apply this to dating involuntarily as well, for better or for worse. That way, when I let things flow, I'm never surprised by the outcome. This also gives me the ability to know which decision would be the best one.
As for deciding what to order at a restaurant, if they both look good, get both. But I can match flavors in my mind like most people can match color, so I can't really sympathize.
To all of you, if you have trouble making a decision just call me and I'll make the right one for you.
M00kie- I hate the word complicated because it's people's reactions to situations where many decisions are required. So what I tell people to do is break it down into simple decisions, and at the end you've come to a conclusion about whatever you would call "complicated."
MH- You know how young I am but I realized the importance of decisiveness long ago. I like to say, even if you're dead wrong, be 100% certain in your decision.
When I make a decision, as a business-minded thinker, I make sure I know every possible outcome. I apply this to dating involuntarily as well, for better or for worse. That way, when I let things flow, I'm never surprised by the outcome. This also gives me the ability to know which decision would be the best one.
As for deciding what to order at a restaurant, if they both look good, get both. But I can match flavors in my mind like most people can match color, so I can't really sympathize.
To all of you, if you have trouble making a decision just call me and I'll make the right one for you.
dys - i guess i'm a smorgasbord kind of person so i like a taste of everything. but it's good to know that i can come to you for help with decisions.
Just curious Josh if you really sweat making a decision when ordering food at a restaurant? Cute! I find myself relating to this post as well. Judging by the comments many of us do. I wonder what that says about the average jewish blogger?
Great post!
Great post!
My family makes fun of my indecision issue--but the only harm it does is cause some procrastination and returning from the mall without anything to show for it. Luckily, once I make a decision I move on --you can only change the past with sincere teshuva, not guilt or angst.
It's written in Tehillim,"Although I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will not fear evil because You are with me..." According to an old teacher of mine, the valley of the shadow of death is really indecision. It is that painful.
But don't fear evil, cause Hashem is with you!!
Have a good shabbos, everyone!!
It's written in Tehillim,"Although I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will not fear evil because You are with me..." According to an old teacher of mine, the valley of the shadow of death is really indecision. It is that painful.
But don't fear evil, cause Hashem is with you!!
Have a good shabbos, everyone!!
All - Shavua Tov! I'll respond to everyone later, but I'm in New York! I bought a ticket Thursday night (yes, that's what prompted the post, but it was a surprise, so I couldn't let any details out), and now I'm here for the weekend. So time to be spontaneous now, not blog! Be back soon...
"...if there is Lashon Hora in my domain, please bring it to my attention." Ok. See your Krytonite comments which have been up for well over a week.
# posted by 
: May 21, 2006 12:12 PM
: May 21, 2006 12:12 PM
a friend of mine dropped a pearl of wisdom the other day - which, i must saym is easier said than done, but here goes: Don't stress over or regret the decisions you must make. whatever you choose is what was destined to be anyways.
# posted by : May 21, 2006 1:55 PM
: May 21, 2006 1:55 PM
I have a friend who is seemingly sabatoging her future out of fear of failure. She is semi-willingly sabatoging her education and with it the very high standards and dreams she holds for herself, due to a deep seeded fear that she can't cut it (which admittdly has a bit to do with her inability to set standards which are realistic for her capabilities) and is willing to sabatoge herself so she doesn't have to find out. I find myself often in the "stalled out of fear" role, but i can't quite grasp the concept of active self-sabatoge. End of story, with hopes of avoiding self-sabatoge.
Mookie - It's definitely a general problem all around my life, not just isolated decisions. Breaking them down can help, but I can paralyze myself for the silliest stuff. I think it's that I don't have confidence in my ability to make the right choice. I'm not lazy (generally). I just have to learn to accept risk.
Sh - There you are grinning at my misfortune ;). Funny how it all generally works out, doesn't it?
MH - Absolutely! It's not about making good decisions, it's about making any decisions with confidence, and depending on the environment, quickly. That's all it takes to get ahead. Corporate speaking, I've definitely started to adapt those tactics. I mean, hey, it's not my money anways.
SWFM - It's amazing how many of us go through this...
EC - Not Shidduchim, although I act the same regarding those as well. I would definitely keep you posted. Sometimes I'm jealous of the compulsive. I like to analyze, but I'd like to act too. I guess I should trust my instincts and values more.
PC - Yeah, um, I'm not so good at getting those little tasks done. Those definitely aren't pushed off because of fear. Maybe I am lazy? Or maybe I just hate having to do those little chores of life - the daily grind...
MH - A great compromise, when possible. But you have to bold even when all the chips have to go on one number.
Sh - There you are grinning at my misfortune ;). Funny how it all generally works out, doesn't it?
MH - Absolutely! It's not about making good decisions, it's about making any decisions with confidence, and depending on the environment, quickly. That's all it takes to get ahead. Corporate speaking, I've definitely started to adapt those tactics. I mean, hey, it's not my money anways.
SWFM - It's amazing how many of us go through this...
EC - Not Shidduchim, although I act the same regarding those as well. I would definitely keep you posted. Sometimes I'm jealous of the compulsive. I like to analyze, but I'd like to act too. I guess I should trust my instincts and values more.
PC - Yeah, um, I'm not so good at getting those little tasks done. Those definitely aren't pushed off because of fear. Maybe I am lazy? Or maybe I just hate having to do those little chores of life - the daily grind...
MH - A great compromise, when possible. But you have to bold even when all the chips have to go on one number.
A - I wish life was so easy as lose-lose situations. Nope, I'm talking about win-lose situation, and it seems I'm always afraid of coming out on the down side. It's not like I always lost playing checkers as a kid. I don't know where it comes from. But you definitely have to learn to take whatever comes.
D - I wish I could approach things as boldly as you. I'm not a coward, but, well who am I kidding, I probably am. I try and fake it, but when the decision is all mine, and only affects me, it takes forever. That's when I usually do my best blogging. Anything to avoid the inevitable committment. It's not that I need to break things down into smaller decisions. I grasp all the issues, but I seem to like the thinking more than the doing.
FG - You caught me - this wasn't really about ordering lunch. But this does happen to me, without all the drama, way too often. Since when did worrying become a Jewish trait?
Okee - Usually my time at the mall is the most decisive - I just want to get out of there! Fortunately, my family doesn't make fun of me for it, but I think everyone in my family has the same trait (hmm, time to pass the blame...). I can see how this is the depths from where we have to rely on Gd, not in his assistance in making the decision, but in guiding our lives regardless of how stupid our decisions might fruitlessly try and swerve us down from the high road He has picked out for us.
A - If you don't think throwing down $500 doesn't count as a valid decision to make, then you've been given a silver spoon. We have to choose our priorities, but sometimes they force us to leave our comfort zone. So while I was out spontaneously making simcha, you were balled up in bed with a chocolate bar. Who's making the big choices now?
Anon1 - Sorry for the delay. I've been the absentee landlord. What's lashon hora about an anonymous comment about an anonymous person? Am I missing something? Feel free to email me if you want to explain further. I certainly will take it seriously.
Anon2 - Wise words. We can make decisions wisely, but their is no wisdom in questioning them after they've been made.
D - Ended up getting their late - and going hungry...
WWFF - Looking forward to seeing you, I"YH.
TAB - You're too much for me!
C - Wow. So true. It's more than self-fullfilling prophecy, there really is an element in wanting to fail sometimes. I can picture times I haven't put much effort into applying for something, because saying I didn't get in would have been much easier than saying I couldn't hack it. That's something I have to stop.
E- Valid point. I hereby decide to make decisions.
DG - Yes and no, we still have to make decisions, even if they take us where he wants us to! So even if the outcome can't be bad and so we shouldn't worry, there is still so much to think about! We aren't just led to where He wants us to go - we have to consider what choices will get us there. Even if the end result isn't what we wanted, we can accept it knowing that it's what He wanted, but we have to make smart choices along the way.
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D - I wish I could approach things as boldly as you. I'm not a coward, but, well who am I kidding, I probably am. I try and fake it, but when the decision is all mine, and only affects me, it takes forever. That's when I usually do my best blogging. Anything to avoid the inevitable committment. It's not that I need to break things down into smaller decisions. I grasp all the issues, but I seem to like the thinking more than the doing.
FG - You caught me - this wasn't really about ordering lunch. But this does happen to me, without all the drama, way too often. Since when did worrying become a Jewish trait?
Okee - Usually my time at the mall is the most decisive - I just want to get out of there! Fortunately, my family doesn't make fun of me for it, but I think everyone in my family has the same trait (hmm, time to pass the blame...). I can see how this is the depths from where we have to rely on Gd, not in his assistance in making the decision, but in guiding our lives regardless of how stupid our decisions might fruitlessly try and swerve us down from the high road He has picked out for us.
A - If you don't think throwing down $500 doesn't count as a valid decision to make, then you've been given a silver spoon. We have to choose our priorities, but sometimes they force us to leave our comfort zone. So while I was out spontaneously making simcha, you were balled up in bed with a chocolate bar. Who's making the big choices now?
Anon1 - Sorry for the delay. I've been the absentee landlord. What's lashon hora about an anonymous comment about an anonymous person? Am I missing something? Feel free to email me if you want to explain further. I certainly will take it seriously.
Anon2 - Wise words. We can make decisions wisely, but their is no wisdom in questioning them after they've been made.
D - Ended up getting their late - and going hungry...
WWFF - Looking forward to seeing you, I"YH.
TAB - You're too much for me!
C - Wow. So true. It's more than self-fullfilling prophecy, there really is an element in wanting to fail sometimes. I can picture times I haven't put much effort into applying for something, because saying I didn't get in would have been much easier than saying I couldn't hack it. That's something I have to stop.
E- Valid point. I hereby decide to make decisions.
DG - Yes and no, we still have to make decisions, even if they take us where he wants us to! So even if the outcome can't be bad and so we shouldn't worry, there is still so much to think about! We aren't just led to where He wants us to go - we have to consider what choices will get us there. Even if the end result isn't what we wanted, we can accept it knowing that it's what He wanted, but we have to make smart choices along the way.
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