Friday, June 09, 2006
There are Reasons
Why is my emtional IQ zero? Why is my reaction to everything always obscene? Why do I laugh when others cry? Why am I so different?
Why can't I be left alone?
It's been bothering me lately. New theory - because I grew up without any sisters. Perhaps if I had been exposed to more estrogen growing up, I'd be more in tune with very normal levels of the feminine mind. Perhaps I'd freak out less with the idea of having to partner with one of "them." I'd cause less unintentional pain with my sophomoric reactions; I'd get less looks of ice from my blunt assessment of the facts.
Maybe when the Torah defined P'ru U'revu as a son and a daughter, it intended for us to grow up as balanced and understanding individuals, with exposure to equal elements of rational and emotional thought.
Or maybe I was just dropped on my head.
Why can't I be left alone?
It's been bothering me lately. New theory - because I grew up without any sisters. Perhaps if I had been exposed to more estrogen growing up, I'd be more in tune with very normal levels of the feminine mind. Perhaps I'd freak out less with the idea of having to partner with one of "them." I'd cause less unintentional pain with my sophomoric reactions; I'd get less looks of ice from my blunt assessment of the facts.
Maybe when the Torah defined P'ru U'revu as a son and a daughter, it intended for us to grow up as balanced and understanding individuals, with exposure to equal elements of rational and emotional thought.
Or maybe I was just dropped on my head.
# posted by Josh : Friday, June 09, 2006
Comments:
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Hey, I'm first this time. Josh, I think you got dropped on your head, because in reality, we're not all that bad! My brother and I have an amazing relationship, B"H....and he's actually one of the most sensitive boys that I know. So it could be a result of not having any sisters, but I think you also got dropped on your head. Sorry.
I know guys WITH sisters who are equally clueless. What sophomoric reactions? Can you give some examples? :)
Do you really laugh when others cry?
Do you really laugh when others cry?
I think you're not giving yourself enough credit. When it comes to real issues you do have a sensitive side...(ie. previous post). And when u meet the right person, the idea of "partnering" with her won't freak you out as much as amaze you that you can actually do this.
# posted by 
: June 10, 2006 10:38 PM
: June 10, 2006 10:38 PM
Josh, you know very well that you are a very sensitive and emotional guy. Having the "wrong" reaction says nothing of your emotional IQ. Your emotional IQ has been displayed over and over in our friendship with your insight and reactions as well as in this blog. Stop being so self conscious!
josh,
I am a little concerned that this blog could come back to bite you while you seek out a wife.
I am a little concerned that this blog could come back to bite you while you seek out a wife.
# posted by : June 11, 2006 8:52 AM
: June 11, 2006 8:52 AM
hey dys- i am totally not attacking you at all in any way with this question, but many of us are wondering- are you at all gay?
# posted by : June 11, 2006 2:37 PM
: June 11, 2006 2:37 PM
Thanks Shosh. But I'm curious why this "anonymous" is so curious if I'm gay; perhaps he's interested? Sorry to say I'm not but I know a very nice young man for you if you tell me what you're looking for.
Ch - You're always first...I fully believe that you and your bro have a great rapport. I wish I was zoche. I'm sure my sisters would've straightened me out. Nay, I wouldn't have needed straightening out. I would have an implicit understanding of how "they" act.
DG - If you're point is that it creates social problems, then I agree. It's not just not having any sisters. I've noticed that since I left the coed environment in high school, I've been on a steady decline in my sensitivity level. Not that I'm the worst person in the world, but there was certainly something to be said for intereacting with the opposite sex on a regular basis. *shock* they were normal people. But those memories are quite distant now. Or perhaps you could argue that my whole problem was that I was teased - exposed to that world, and withdrawn just as I discovered its potential. But, not good.
MH - Of course there are some families that have healthier, more open relationships than others, so I'm not surprised. I'm not that close with my brothers, so I don't know how things would be different if I had sisters. Of course, maybe she'd make me stay in touch with my brothers. Sophomoric reactions - I tend to deal with tragedy with humor, a very normal way of dealing with trauma. I usually don't stop at normal points though.
Sh - It's not about knowing what makes them tick, it's understanding how to live with them despite the gap. I have no problem recognizing differences. I just don't know what to expect from there. For example, a guy I was talking to yesterday told me that you should always tell your wife how pretty she is. I said, that is reinforcing a false standard of your wife's self worth. He told me you have to be very sensitive to your wife, because beauty is part of what they feel is important. But how do I know if that is healthy and normal or just a societal encroachment of values?
R - I tend not to give myself much credit, not to crush any hopes that I have a positive side, but because I am always trying to find new avenues to grow. Certainly I have a lot of room to grow in the area of female relations...
D - I seem to do ok with guys. As per Anon below, maybe I should just go gay.
Anon1- (make up a name!) - It could. I'm not sure if you're referring to the whole blog or to this specific post, but if revealing my true self deters somebody from marrying me, I'll assume that person wasn't for me.
Anon2 - From my experience, he certainly isn't. But I don't know if you're a girl hoping he isn't or a guy hoping he is.
Sh - Sometimes Anons really need that anonymity to make very valid and personal points. Othertimes, they just have silly things to say.
D - I want Shadchanus if it works out.
DG - If you're point is that it creates social problems, then I agree. It's not just not having any sisters. I've noticed that since I left the coed environment in high school, I've been on a steady decline in my sensitivity level. Not that I'm the worst person in the world, but there was certainly something to be said for intereacting with the opposite sex on a regular basis. *shock* they were normal people. But those memories are quite distant now. Or perhaps you could argue that my whole problem was that I was teased - exposed to that world, and withdrawn just as I discovered its potential. But, not good.
MH - Of course there are some families that have healthier, more open relationships than others, so I'm not surprised. I'm not that close with my brothers, so I don't know how things would be different if I had sisters. Of course, maybe she'd make me stay in touch with my brothers. Sophomoric reactions - I tend to deal with tragedy with humor, a very normal way of dealing with trauma. I usually don't stop at normal points though.
Sh - It's not about knowing what makes them tick, it's understanding how to live with them despite the gap. I have no problem recognizing differences. I just don't know what to expect from there. For example, a guy I was talking to yesterday told me that you should always tell your wife how pretty she is. I said, that is reinforcing a false standard of your wife's self worth. He told me you have to be very sensitive to your wife, because beauty is part of what they feel is important. But how do I know if that is healthy and normal or just a societal encroachment of values?
R - I tend not to give myself much credit, not to crush any hopes that I have a positive side, but because I am always trying to find new avenues to grow. Certainly I have a lot of room to grow in the area of female relations...
D - I seem to do ok with guys. As per Anon below, maybe I should just go gay.
Anon1- (make up a name!) - It could. I'm not sure if you're referring to the whole blog or to this specific post, but if revealing my true self deters somebody from marrying me, I'll assume that person wasn't for me.
Anon2 - From my experience, he certainly isn't. But I don't know if you're a girl hoping he isn't or a guy hoping he is.
Sh - Sometimes Anons really need that anonymity to make very valid and personal points. Othertimes, they just have silly things to say.
D - I want Shadchanus if it works out.
It's normal to have an odd reaction sometimes or even the polar opposite. I just had that experience which is in my last post. I didn't write about this b/c I was embarrassed. I will tell you that a troubled person was with me for shabbos and when she wasn't around I ended up laughing at the situation and I am a sw nevertheless.
Josh,
I think you're mixing 2 issues here:
1) Sophomoric reactions and
2) Understanding Females.
So in answert to #1 -- Yes, sometimes you do react inappropriately but so do many others. At the same token, I don't think sisters would have helped. Maybe look at these situations that you are faced with in a different light -- think about how you would feel in their shoes...It might give it a different twist
Answer to #2 -- I don't think sisters would have done the trick. Try talking to an older woman and have her help you out. But someone with wisdom of life not some 20 year old.
P.S. As far as being dropped on your head -- FOR SURE....jk :-)
I think you're mixing 2 issues here:
1) Sophomoric reactions and
2) Understanding Females.
So in answert to #1 -- Yes, sometimes you do react inappropriately but so do many others. At the same token, I don't think sisters would have helped. Maybe look at these situations that you are faced with in a different light -- think about how you would feel in their shoes...It might give it a different twist
Answer to #2 -- I don't think sisters would have done the trick. Try talking to an older woman and have her help you out. But someone with wisdom of life not some 20 year old.
P.S. As far as being dropped on your head -- FOR SURE....jk :-)
What you are explaining seems to me an intellectualizing of everything and not really allowing your emotions to affect your judgement. I'm not saying you dont have emotions, just that you close them off, A splitting of heart and mind, Am I right?
i like your excuse about not having sisters. As a guy with only male siblings i also feel like i cant relate at all to girls, and being that my last ex was fairly girly, it sure made things hard for me to relate to. I tried, but as the saying goes, i am emotionally constipated...and apparently, so are you. It happens. All you need is either a super emotional girl to balance you out OR a fellow emotionally constipated girl to agree with you that chick flicks suck.
-anonymous1
-anonymous1
# posted by : June 12, 2006 3:50 PM
: June 12, 2006 3:50 PM
Well, I think that not allowing emotions to affect everything, although good in some ways, can be quite crippling in other ways. I happen to have the same issue. Moach sholai al halev, but there must be a laiv. And it needs to show at certain times. Figuring out that it needs to show is step one. Step two is finding the proper time to show it. And step three is allowing it to show. HAtzlacha.
SWFM - I suppose I'm not alone. But what you wrote makes me feel more like my reactions are inappropriate, even if they are common. I'd love to feel empathy and be able to connect with people on an emotional level instead of just nervously laughing their problems away. Thank Gd I didn't become a social worker (or a frustrated mom!).
IMM - I think the two, which you've correctly distinguished between, are inter-related. Since I don't understand women, or really emotions, I don't know how to react to emotionally charged situations. This puts me personally at a loss, but more importantly it prevents me from truly connecting with others. Definitely makes life a more lonely experience.
FG - They're definitely split. When I'm making decisions, I love the fact that I focus on the rational exclusively. But why does that prevent me from "feeling" the rest of the time?
Anonymous1 (who isn't anon1) - I love the emotionally constipated line. That is exactly how I feel. Sometimes I can sense the emotions deep inside, but can't tap into them and they fade away. And as far as the two types of girls, those are exactly the cases I have found. I either feel that a really emotionally girl brings me closer to expressing my own latent emotional potential and I fall all over her, that is until I realize I don't understand her and can't make actual decisions with her. Or I look for these girls that I can understand, but of course I'll sacrifice my own emotional capability in the process. I don't know which it'll be, but those are definitely the two types I find myself desiring the most.
Sh- I know, I just have to keep looking. Ho hum. As far as me not being a sociopath, how long have you been reading my blog? Honestly, I don't think I am, but sometimes...
Ch - I know everything you say is true, intellectually. But how do I bring it out? I guess I need to find somebody who is very emotional, but can value rational thinking, even if it isn't how she thinks.
TB - Overthinking? Always. Dang Gemara Kup. I'm sure things will be fine. I just have to find her first. Of course, I probably won't find her in the "sewage waste". Hmm...
IMM - I think the two, which you've correctly distinguished between, are inter-related. Since I don't understand women, or really emotions, I don't know how to react to emotionally charged situations. This puts me personally at a loss, but more importantly it prevents me from truly connecting with others. Definitely makes life a more lonely experience.
FG - They're definitely split. When I'm making decisions, I love the fact that I focus on the rational exclusively. But why does that prevent me from "feeling" the rest of the time?
Anonymous1 (who isn't anon1) - I love the emotionally constipated line. That is exactly how I feel. Sometimes I can sense the emotions deep inside, but can't tap into them and they fade away. And as far as the two types of girls, those are exactly the cases I have found. I either feel that a really emotionally girl brings me closer to expressing my own latent emotional potential and I fall all over her, that is until I realize I don't understand her and can't make actual decisions with her. Or I look for these girls that I can understand, but of course I'll sacrifice my own emotional capability in the process. I don't know which it'll be, but those are definitely the two types I find myself desiring the most.
Sh- I know, I just have to keep looking. Ho hum. As far as me not being a sociopath, how long have you been reading my blog? Honestly, I don't think I am, but sometimes...
Ch - I know everything you say is true, intellectually. But how do I bring it out? I guess I need to find somebody who is very emotional, but can value rational thinking, even if it isn't how she thinks.
TB - Overthinking? Always. Dang Gemara Kup. I'm sure things will be fine. I just have to find her first. Of course, I probably won't find her in the "sewage waste". Hmm...
SWFM - Don't worry, I didn't doubt your intentions. Just clarifying. Communication is funny like that.
About the inappropriate reactions, I can tell you all about inappropriate reactions. I loved my bubby more than anyone loved anyone. I cried sooooo much at her funeral. but when my bubby died almost 11 years ago, my reaction - and not quietly under my breath or anything - was something like "well there goes my main source of income!" (b/c she would give me money whenever she could - birthday, chanukah, afikomen, she would even invent reasons to give me money....it's march 22nd, here's some money...) It really can't get much more inappropriate than that, ya know... and I was in 11th grade - i.e. old enough to not say stupid things like that. so I say don't sweat it. ppl react how they react. there's no right way to react to anything.
In terms of understanding females, I am a female and I have a sister and I still do not understand females. For example, I understand having pretty shoes, even if they rip your toes apart. I have such a pair. But if you are going to wear them, and put yourself in a situation where your shoes are ripping up your toes, you have no right to complain! If they hurt you that much, don't wear them. And yet, when I tell ppl that I wear sneakers to weddings to save my feet when I dance, they tell me that sneakers are inappropriate at weddings - but their feet hurt and mine do not. I just do not get it. I thank God I can marry a man and I truly feel bad for all of you males who will marry females and for that reason, I advocate going gay.
In terms of understanding females, I am a female and I have a sister and I still do not understand females. For example, I understand having pretty shoes, even if they rip your toes apart. I have such a pair. But if you are going to wear them, and put yourself in a situation where your shoes are ripping up your toes, you have no right to complain! If they hurt you that much, don't wear them. And yet, when I tell ppl that I wear sneakers to weddings to save my feet when I dance, they tell me that sneakers are inappropriate at weddings - but their feet hurt and mine do not. I just do not get it. I thank God I can marry a man and I truly feel bad for all of you males who will marry females and for that reason, I advocate going gay.
Arona - It's too bad there aren't more reasonable people like you that can wear sensible shoes and can focus on the most obscene reactions. I guess you would advocate my finding a "roommate." But if there's you, there's hope for more like you. You should write greeting cards. The messages might be a bit long, but hey, they'd have great punchlines, and better you putting your foot in your mouth than me. Oh wait, you didn't say you put your foot in your mouth - that was me projecting. At least you're funny when you blurt stuff out...
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