Thursday, June 22, 2006
Two for Two
Back from my biweekly New York trip. It proved quite successful. Forget about the two jobs I was offered - I met two bloggers!
Two thoughts -
After driving around NYC in my rental car, I may have a better understanding of why frum people tend to drive like maniacs. It's not just driving, it's the rushing all over the place, whether trying to get ready for Shabbos, or head to Minyan. And it has nothing to do with New York hustle. I think it comes from a good thing. Judaism infuses us with such a sense of purpose, we cannot help but run around. There's so much to accomplish with our lives, so much purpose, how can we casually stroll along?
Despite my optimistic assessment of the roots of this attitude, I do think that this positive trait is overused. That means that too much running through life is a bad thing. No matter how many good things we want to get done in a day, we cannot forget the feelings of those around us. And no matter how important we think our destination is, we don't have a right to cut off other people in line by assuming that their schedule is any less urgent.
Unrelated. As I look for places to live in NY, one thing I realized is that a person is not meant to live alone. Regardless, of our phase in life, we are constantly surrounded by others. We grow up in our parents' home, live in a dorm, and start our own home. But what of the singles that have one more phase? Are roommates enough to occupy the social gap? Living arrangements aren't the same as friendships. Sure, some will have enough to make it work, but there are so many chores needed to run a household that a bunch of singles can have a hard time agreeing on. And a lot of emotional investment and support.
I'd love to live with a family. Aside from all the practical considerations this would ease, I think it is a great thing religiously to be grounded in a world of responsibility, instead of the Hefker that seems to rule in the singles' scene. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem that the families live anywhere near my peers. I guess I'll have to choose.
Two thoughts -
After driving around NYC in my rental car, I may have a better understanding of why frum people tend to drive like maniacs. It's not just driving, it's the rushing all over the place, whether trying to get ready for Shabbos, or head to Minyan. And it has nothing to do with New York hustle. I think it comes from a good thing. Judaism infuses us with such a sense of purpose, we cannot help but run around. There's so much to accomplish with our lives, so much purpose, how can we casually stroll along?
Despite my optimistic assessment of the roots of this attitude, I do think that this positive trait is overused. That means that too much running through life is a bad thing. No matter how many good things we want to get done in a day, we cannot forget the feelings of those around us. And no matter how important we think our destination is, we don't have a right to cut off other people in line by assuming that their schedule is any less urgent.
Unrelated. As I look for places to live in NY, one thing I realized is that a person is not meant to live alone. Regardless, of our phase in life, we are constantly surrounded by others. We grow up in our parents' home, live in a dorm, and start our own home. But what of the singles that have one more phase? Are roommates enough to occupy the social gap? Living arrangements aren't the same as friendships. Sure, some will have enough to make it work, but there are so many chores needed to run a household that a bunch of singles can have a hard time agreeing on. And a lot of emotional investment and support.
I'd love to live with a family. Aside from all the practical considerations this would ease, I think it is a great thing religiously to be grounded in a world of responsibility, instead of the Hefker that seems to rule in the singles' scene. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem that the families live anywhere near my peers. I guess I'll have to choose.
# posted by Josh : Thursday, June 22, 2006
Comments:
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are you sure moving with a family isnt just a way to avoid taking responsibility and taking care of yourself? its much easier to be in a family environment.. but can you hack it on ure own? (im not trying to be rude, im just wondering)
if you happen to know of any single females looking for a roommate in manhattan, please let me know!!!!!! (or if you looked at a place in manhattan and decided it wasnt for you, please let me know about that as well)... thanks!
It was good meeting you, Josh! :) We should hang when you are settled in NY.
You'll be surprised how easy it is to live alone. It does take some getting used to, but there is also the freedom to do what you want.
A good roomate is great, it is like a live in friend. But a bad roomate is hell on earth - I suppose like good and bad marriages.
It is always a good idea to live with unrelated others for a time so that you learn how to live with people and that when you live with others you cannot always get what you want when you want all the time. This could be seen as good practice for marriage.
My last roomate in Tel-Aviv was perfect: she had a boyfriend and stayed out late with him (though often not as late as I stayed out at the gym) - AND she had friends in Jerusalem that she visited every Shabbes unless the weather there was bad. Perfect.
When I lived alone in Tel-Aviv (and even with my last roomate), I threw parties every couple months or so and had people over for Shabbat every Friday night. It is also best to live near friends so that you can easily visit each other without having to travel too far to get home. My friends and I all lived within reasonable walking distance of each other and mostly went to the same shul. Then again, Tel-Aviv is a relatively small city.
Lastly, if you don't spend much time at home (between work, activities and friends) it won't matter as much either way.
You'll be surprised how easy it is to live alone. It does take some getting used to, but there is also the freedom to do what you want.
A good roomate is great, it is like a live in friend. But a bad roomate is hell on earth - I suppose like good and bad marriages.
It is always a good idea to live with unrelated others for a time so that you learn how to live with people and that when you live with others you cannot always get what you want when you want all the time. This could be seen as good practice for marriage.
My last roomate in Tel-Aviv was perfect: she had a boyfriend and stayed out late with him (though often not as late as I stayed out at the gym) - AND she had friends in Jerusalem that she visited every Shabbes unless the weather there was bad. Perfect.
When I lived alone in Tel-Aviv (and even with my last roomate), I threw parties every couple months or so and had people over for Shabbat every Friday night. It is also best to live near friends so that you can easily visit each other without having to travel too far to get home. My friends and I all lived within reasonable walking distance of each other and mostly went to the same shul. Then again, Tel-Aviv is a relatively small city.
Lastly, if you don't spend much time at home (between work, activities and friends) it won't matter as much either way.
Between work and activities, I spend a lot of time in my apartment and have a roommate who is terrible. Read my blog for more on that.
So I've been trying to move with no luck because I have no person to actually find an apartment with and have not found a place to join in an apartment. It's one of the hazards of not having a group of friends, just individuals who each have their own groups. So when there's a lull in my activities or when I get home exhausted and don't feel like working on any personal projects as often happens, I sit, in my boredom, with no one to talk to. If I had many friends it wouldn't really be an issue, so you might not need to worry about it, but yeah, a good roommate, a friend even can often fill that emotional single gap.
Then again, all we really want to do is find that one, life-long, permanent roommate.
So I've been trying to move with no luck because I have no person to actually find an apartment with and have not found a place to join in an apartment. It's one of the hazards of not having a group of friends, just individuals who each have their own groups. So when there's a lull in my activities or when I get home exhausted and don't feel like working on any personal projects as often happens, I sit, in my boredom, with no one to talk to. If I had many friends it wouldn't really be an issue, so you might not need to worry about it, but yeah, a good roommate, a friend even can often fill that emotional single gap.
Then again, all we really want to do is find that one, life-long, permanent roommate.
Elster, don't judge NY's so quickly. There is more chessed than you know about that goes on. There are plenty of families that would be willing to 'take' Josh but I think lilke he pointe out -- none near his peer groups.
Josh, single life is hard but I find it rewarding. I feel like I'm learning ways to maintain a household before having to 'really' do it. Believe me, I want to get married...but stop being so scared of it. It is deffinitely hard at first but you'll make it. In the community I live in, I have literally attached myself to several families so I have that grounded feeling you're looking for. I spend shabbos with families (special ones!) rather than in single groups, so I have a feeling of real family life. Try it. It's not so bad!
Josh, single life is hard but I find it rewarding. I feel like I'm learning ways to maintain a household before having to 'really' do it. Believe me, I want to get married...but stop being so scared of it. It is deffinitely hard at first but you'll make it. In the community I live in, I have literally attached myself to several families so I have that grounded feeling you're looking for. I spend shabbos with families (special ones!) rather than in single groups, so I have a feeling of real family life. Try it. It's not so bad!
JB - I wish them good luck with me.
A - Why aren't there more girls like you in this world? I'd be married in a second if I could just find somebody to share my refridgerator box with!
Dw - I think the sense of responsibility when staying with a family is what is most attractive. Instead of coming home from work and plopping down in front of a computer until I go to sleep, I will be forced to check in with others and see what I can do to help them. It is just natural. Of course, many people do mature faster on their own. But something tells me that my personality would just not do well- I just would take the minimum and no more. Quite a sad life.
Dr - Treifalicious, as she mentioned, and one other that I ran into at a wedding. I won't say who, since she's semi-nonymous, but she is on my blog roll. And she was quite, um, surprised, to say the least, when I approached her.
Mookie - Probably not. While it would be great to learn that independence, I know myself that I won't grow. Truthfully, I'm more worried about feeling isolated if I did move in with friends. Guys can be very removed from each other, and that proximity yet separation can make you feel that much more alone. It's like going to a party and standing in the corner. I'd rather be a little farther away, but feel like I'm really tight with my friends when I do get a chance to meet up with them.
Timmie - Any body out there? I know of at least one female reader looking for a roommate - interested?
Treif - I did spend 6 years living with random guys in dorms. As far as learning to live with others, I did pick that up, even if it wasn't fully independent living (we had cafeterias...). But I really don't spend much time at home, other than sleeping, which is why I'm not so worried.
BB - Throw in a job, and maybe we'll talk. At least I know I'd love my roommates.
DYS - Truthfully, I don't know if I want my roommate to be my best friend. Not just because I'm afraid that it wouldn't work out and would ruin our friendship, but even if I was never friends with the person before, I think you identified the issue incidentally, I think that is a role for a bashert. If you just needed a roommate to let it all out with, why would we ever marry?
El - I didn't mean that they all are. I just meant I understood those that are. I don't think it'll be easy to find a family, and I'm looking at other options too. But I want to try...I've gotten used to having my meals made.
MH - I'm sorry, but you can't extort me into proposing.
IMM - Definitely, wherever I am, I'll want to attach to families around me. But of course, you have to figure in the commute. And there just aren't many of my single peers running around Jersey. (Yeah, that's where I'll be working!)
A - Why aren't there more girls like you in this world? I'd be married in a second if I could just find somebody to share my refridgerator box with!
Dw - I think the sense of responsibility when staying with a family is what is most attractive. Instead of coming home from work and plopping down in front of a computer until I go to sleep, I will be forced to check in with others and see what I can do to help them. It is just natural. Of course, many people do mature faster on their own. But something tells me that my personality would just not do well- I just would take the minimum and no more. Quite a sad life.
Dr - Treifalicious, as she mentioned, and one other that I ran into at a wedding. I won't say who, since she's semi-nonymous, but she is on my blog roll. And she was quite, um, surprised, to say the least, when I approached her.
Mookie - Probably not. While it would be great to learn that independence, I know myself that I won't grow. Truthfully, I'm more worried about feeling isolated if I did move in with friends. Guys can be very removed from each other, and that proximity yet separation can make you feel that much more alone. It's like going to a party and standing in the corner. I'd rather be a little farther away, but feel like I'm really tight with my friends when I do get a chance to meet up with them.
Timmie - Any body out there? I know of at least one female reader looking for a roommate - interested?
Treif - I did spend 6 years living with random guys in dorms. As far as learning to live with others, I did pick that up, even if it wasn't fully independent living (we had cafeterias...). But I really don't spend much time at home, other than sleeping, which is why I'm not so worried.
BB - Throw in a job, and maybe we'll talk. At least I know I'd love my roommates.
DYS - Truthfully, I don't know if I want my roommate to be my best friend. Not just because I'm afraid that it wouldn't work out and would ruin our friendship, but even if I was never friends with the person before, I think you identified the issue incidentally, I think that is a role for a bashert. If you just needed a roommate to let it all out with, why would we ever marry?
El - I didn't mean that they all are. I just meant I understood those that are. I don't think it'll be easy to find a family, and I'm looking at other options too. But I want to try...I've gotten used to having my meals made.
MH - I'm sorry, but you can't extort me into proposing.
IMM - Definitely, wherever I am, I'll want to attach to families around me. But of course, you have to figure in the commute. And there just aren't many of my single peers running around Jersey. (Yeah, that's where I'll be working!)
ok first of all, I grew up in NY and have lived here my whole life and I can pretty much say with authority that NY drivers are nuts and insane and they are the reason I'm scared to be on the road. And the Jewish ones are worse. Drive in Monsey, NY for 5 minutes, you'll see what I mean. It's not so much rushing to get anywhere. Some ppl just think the world was created for them so they do not obey any traffic laws and they do whatever they want.
About NY'ers not being hospitable like "out-of-towners", that's not true at all. I know tons of ppl who would put ppl up for a while.
About roommates, I've had many many roommates, good and bad. It has definitely taught me a lot about living with other ppl and sharing a space with other ppl and it taught me a ton about myself. For better or worse, it was definitely worth it and I think it made me a better person and a more responsible person. I don't think living with a family will keep you any more grounded than living with roommates or living alone. Sure when you live with a family, you see how they live responsibly and not in the "hefkeirut" (is that the right conjugation?) of a single person's life. But what does that do for you? It's not your life and it's not your family. Are you gonna sit with them at the dinner table? And share the chores with them? And whatever else families do? Maybe you are....I don't know.... That's cool. But I think living on your own makes you more responsible b/c it forces you into that situation. Kinda like if you want to learn chinese, you can live with a chinese family in NY who speak english, or you plop yourself in the middle of China where you will probably learn chinese as fast as you can b/c you just have to in order to survive. I just feel like families are very nice and there are plenty you can find here and become close with. But I think you stay more grounded and more focused and more responsible if you live with roommates - or alone - in your own place and you are forced to be that way. And things have to get done and they don't just happen and I don't think a family is gonna help you with that as much as roommates and living on your own in your own place. And even just in terms of small stuff, like if you want to have a friend over, or make a shabbat meal, or whatever it is, and you're living with a family, would you be able to do anything like that? especially not without asking first.
I dunno. I'm a big advocate for getting out and living on your own, and things will fall into place. and if you're a strong enough person, you won't go down the wrong derech or be led the wrong way or anything. but that's all just my opinion.
Just a quick word about being single. I don't think single vs married should be a point on which to judge life or success in life. I don't think you need to be married to have a full life or be grounded or have nice stuff or matching furniture or a good set of pots or anything like that. There's no reason to have crappy furniture when you're single b/c one day, when you get married, you'll get nice stuff. No! Why should I wait till I get married to have a nice couch?! I want to have nice stuff and live like a real person. So I do. I think ppl tend to forget that being single doens't have to mean that you have to wait till you're married for stuff to happen. There's no reason it can't start right now....no....wait....ok now.....
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About NY'ers not being hospitable like "out-of-towners", that's not true at all. I know tons of ppl who would put ppl up for a while.
About roommates, I've had many many roommates, good and bad. It has definitely taught me a lot about living with other ppl and sharing a space with other ppl and it taught me a ton about myself. For better or worse, it was definitely worth it and I think it made me a better person and a more responsible person. I don't think living with a family will keep you any more grounded than living with roommates or living alone. Sure when you live with a family, you see how they live responsibly and not in the "hefkeirut" (is that the right conjugation?) of a single person's life. But what does that do for you? It's not your life and it's not your family. Are you gonna sit with them at the dinner table? And share the chores with them? And whatever else families do? Maybe you are....I don't know.... That's cool. But I think living on your own makes you more responsible b/c it forces you into that situation. Kinda like if you want to learn chinese, you can live with a chinese family in NY who speak english, or you plop yourself in the middle of China where you will probably learn chinese as fast as you can b/c you just have to in order to survive. I just feel like families are very nice and there are plenty you can find here and become close with. But I think you stay more grounded and more focused and more responsible if you live with roommates - or alone - in your own place and you are forced to be that way. And things have to get done and they don't just happen and I don't think a family is gonna help you with that as much as roommates and living on your own in your own place. And even just in terms of small stuff, like if you want to have a friend over, or make a shabbat meal, or whatever it is, and you're living with a family, would you be able to do anything like that? especially not without asking first.
I dunno. I'm a big advocate for getting out and living on your own, and things will fall into place. and if you're a strong enough person, you won't go down the wrong derech or be led the wrong way or anything. but that's all just my opinion.
Just a quick word about being single. I don't think single vs married should be a point on which to judge life or success in life. I don't think you need to be married to have a full life or be grounded or have nice stuff or matching furniture or a good set of pots or anything like that. There's no reason to have crappy furniture when you're single b/c one day, when you get married, you'll get nice stuff. No! Why should I wait till I get married to have a nice couch?! I want to have nice stuff and live like a real person. So I do. I think ppl tend to forget that being single doens't have to mean that you have to wait till you're married for stuff to happen. There's no reason it can't start right now....no....wait....ok now.....
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