Why Josh Can't Be Left Alone

In a prior post, I flaunted certain relationships I maintain with girls. And as Elisheva pointed out, this was in seeming contradiction to another previous post where I discussed the Nisyonos (tests) that every guy faces with the opposite sex. In my brash embrace of hyperbole, I failed to fully discuss each issue, and because I feel both are so important to treat properly (as well as not to sound hypocritical), I'll try and fill in the gaps.

The "distractions" I mentioned emanating from the opposite sex were just that- distractions. It wasn't a metaphor for anything dirtier. Not that I (and every guy) doesn't fantasize, but a walk down the street doesn't morph into a wild orgy. My point was that frum girls drive me wild in another way, in their underlying (Tznius) attractive sense. (For the record, the word "depraved" in the original post was supposed to be "deprived." I thought it was harmless irony at the time, but alas, it appears I must be more exact.) I am always on the prowl- for possible marriage partners. Where ever a frum girl is, my mind starts to wander. For example, a girl can be behind a mechitza at shul on Tisha B'Av and I'll still be thinking about her. It's not sexual. The idea that a girl may be present can be distracting. It's like my instinct to find a mate just kicks in.

And my post on female friends failed to clarify that I am very particular in how I'm friends with girls. I don't just hang out and get ice cream with any skirt that comes along. In fact, I spend very little time with the opposite sex. Had one of the girls mentioned in that post not been visiting from out of town, I probably wouldn't have made an effort to get together. (I'm curious to know what I should fear once she leaves town. Probably her boyfriend.) And had the other girl not had an issue that she needed to talk to somebody about, I probably wouldn't have spent so long on the phone with her. I don't just go flirt with anybody, but that doesn't mean that I won't treat a female with the same loyalty and compassion that anybody deserves.

Don't think that I'm naive about what could happen. I have many SELF created stringencies to assure that I don't stumble. I'm very particular about what is appropriate conversation, and what is an appropriate place to meet. And if all else fails, I have my beard to ensure that no physical contact will ever evolve.

The bottom line is that I was exaggerating my point to show that, at the end of the day, I don't have a problem with speaking to the opposite sex in defiance of a communal norm. A person benefits more from self imposed rules than assuming a societal based standard. How so? It's too easy for the reason for these rules to get lost in the details. Accordingly, people raised in absolute communities won't necessarily curtail their sexual appetites, because they are told that the limits imposed on them will do the trick. This leaves them ill prepared to deal with the personal nature of the feelings that can overwhelm them. It's a known Halachic insight that every Chumra (stringency) has it's kula (leniency). Enforcing a rigid standard may feel like the best protection, but it can often have weakening consequences.

The intention of my post was mainly to force us to think critically about how we define the rules. In Judaism, there is the sacrosanct Halacha, from the Torah all the way down to Minhagim. My point was that beyond that we only have to answer to Gd and ourselves for our behavior. There is no issur (rule against) getting ice cream with a girl. If somebody wants to restrict themselves from this in order to restrain him/herself, great. If they choose to live in a community where everybody shares this concern, great. If they choose to enforce these rules on their children, that's their perogative. But this restriction is not part of the religion. I am responsible for my own actions. If I haven't taken enough steps to safeguard my actual behavior then I'll face my judgment. But just because you feel that I am at risk of "crashing" doesn't make my actions in and of themselves wrong.

The sages advise a man to keep his eyes within his own Daled Amos (four cubits) in order to avoid seeing anything that will lead him astray. Does that mean that looking outside of this box is a violation? It is only well intentioned advice. Only if you follow the forbidden have you violated anything. Again, as long as somebody is being honest with the risks they face, and are clear about what behavior crosses the line, you can't really have any complaint against them.

Similarly, although it is the norm for Yeshivos to learn Gemara (Talmud) B'Chavrusa (in pairs), am I a heretic if I learn Navi (the Prophets) by myself? If I decide that I don't learn torah better in a chavrusa, that doesn't mean I'm not doing a Mitzva (commandment). It sure beats turning to television because Talmud doesn't speak to you and no other learning is respected. Even if the Rabbis say you will learn better that way. They may be right- for the majority. That doesn't mean that I can recognize myself as the exception to their rule, and find my own way to best fulfill the word of Gd. I'm not saying you can make your own rules, or choose Halacha. But there is plenty of gray area where an individual can best define what will be the best spiritual incentive for him/herself.

Of course, I recognize that there are other factors at stake other than worries of forbidden physical contact. I must be true to three people: myself, my friend, and my (future) spouse. For myself, not only do I have to be sure that this encounter won't escalate into something forbidden, but that it won't hinder my growth in other ways. I can't be using this relationship to feed my ego, or to waste my time flirting and ignoring loftier aspirations. (Of course, I should be doing other things than hanging out with girls. I should also be doing other things than blogging. Nobody seems to question that. )

I also have to be sure that the girl I am speaking with is on the same page as me. Not just as far as the religious framework that we are working within, but also that the emotions are clear. It is important to be sure that you are not leading anybody on.

And finally, there is the question of exclusivity that comes with a monogamous relationship. While I haven't been there yet, I can understand that you must be conscious of how this "third wheel" might be perceived- and how you will have little control over those feelings. While I'd like to assume that I can find an open minded girl who doesn't feel threatened and jealous on all fronts, I have to be sensitive to the feelings of the girls I'm friends with- and that I may be forced to separate from. But all friendships grow and fade, and as long as you avoid betrayal- to any party you care about- I think you can continue to gain from having diverse friendships.

It's important to note that my background may be different than yours, and I may have different sensitivities than others. I'm glad you guys disagree. You learn more from people with different opinions than from those who just shout "Right on!" Thanks and keep up the good work of keeping me in line. Keep asking questions. I'll keep making up the answers.