Why Josh Can't Be Left Alone

One of the first feelings I had when I got to Israel was the inability to cry. I guess technically this would be a lack of feelings. I don't know why I noticed this - it wasn't like I was trying to cry. But I felt a swelling of emotion as I thought of my trip, and distinctly recall an inability to stir it any further. As I headed on my first vacation since starting to work 14 months ago, as I arrived at the Kotel, as I sat singing with my Yeshiva, as I visited the cemetery - such an overwhelming sense of powerful moments, but yet I was untouched.

This isn't a new phenomenon for me. I'm not sure if it's because I think too much instead of just letting myself feel. Nor am I sure, I guess, why it is that I think I should cry. Perhaps it's just an assumption I have from watching too much television. But no matter how much I attempt to tune in or tune out, it seems like the tears are just beyond my reach.

Unrelated (I think), the next observation I had was the tremendous difficulty posed to those studying in Jerusalem, especially during tourist season. While I had this same issue when I was studying there full time, it was even more acute when I was the tourist. Aside from the poor role modeling I did from taking the current students away from their studies, I was drawn away from my own attempts to dedicate some time to personal growth by the rush of American youth swarming the city's destinations. How could I sit quietly in the Beis Medrash when my peers were visiting the Kotel, shopping in Meah Shearim, and eating on Ben Yehuda or Emek Refaim?

Especially considering that many of these kids were friends that I hadn't seen in awhile. Or girls, a gender that I haven't seen in awhile. I wasn't sure which was the greater lost opportunity. At least at the time. As one blog commentator once put it, there is nothing more intriguing to a Yeshiva Bachur than the words "skirt" and "seminary." I guess I should be glad that at least in one measure I am still a Yeshiva Bachur. I really don't know how anyone can avoid the temptation of so many distractions. I guess once you do get over it, though, you've definitely reached a very high level.

I did have an interesting Sem Story (no, nothing to do with Elisheva- just a funny story involving two sem girls). Skipping the part about what I was doing talking to them, I had casually mentioned that one of the numerous ways that Yeshiva guys keep entertained is by playing a little game called "Name the Seminary." Pretty self-explanatory, just simple people-watching and stereotyping. So of course the girls get all excited and want me to guess where they went to seminary, like I was reading their future or something. Trust me, the game isn't really that exciting to outsiders. So anyways, I guessed where they went, and did a terrible job. That's not the purpose of the story. I guessed that one of the girls went to a school that, lets just say, doesn't have a stellar reputation. Why I didn't lie, I'm not sure. But I'm an honest guy, so I went with my gut, and threw out the name of this party school. So, um, the girl was insulted. (Her friend thought it was hysterical, though!)

My point is this - if you look a certain way, people make judgments, right or wrong. While you shouldn't dress a certain way just to please people, I do think that how you choose to present yourself does play a very real affect on you, in a "self-fulfilling prophecy" sort of way. So while others shouldn't go around judging you based on how you dress (other than those playing "Name the Seminary"), I do think that we have to be honest about what we are conveying about ourselves. We can use this in a positive or a negative manner. If we dress like role models above us, people who we want to be like, we will be more conscious about deserving that status. And if we dress like role models below us, we may achieve that status as well. So while my failure in "Name the Seminary" might not have accurately portrayed this girl's present, it may have betrayed her future. I'm not talking about people who dress outside the box, just the values that are exposed in our external appearance.

Finally, I'll be flying to Silver Spring for a wedding tomorrow. The bad news is that this means that I'll be away from Blogland for the rest of the weekend. The good news is that if anyone is in DC, we can meet up in the Real World. (David, I tried calling your cell, but I must have an old number. Give me a call in the morning.)